Skylar's Diary - Day 6

Today was a weird day, Dear Diary. I feel like something has changed in me, but I can't really pinpoint it yet. Riley came in, and I had put on yesterday's outfit again.

"Keep your shorts on," said Riley, "we're going to try on some tops."

So we tried on some tops. She handed them to me, I tried them on, and then I said what I thought of them. There was always something wrong. Belly too exposed, too bright colors or too pink, too light fabrics, too many frills. Then she grabbed something, it was plain white (that was all right), but I thought it was too big.

"Here, I'll help you. Put your arms in it first, and then your head."

It was as if a curtain was coming down.

"No, no, that's way too big, it's coming over my shorts. What is this? Size XL from your grandmother or something?"

"It's supposed to be that big."

Wait a minute, she tried to trick me.

"What is this, Riley? Is it a dress? No, hey, I don't want to. I take it off again."

"OK, you can take it off, but first look in the mirror."

I looked in the mirror, and was stunned. I looked, and said nothing.

"What is it, Skylar? Are you paralyzed?"

I didn't react. 

"Say something. What do you think?"

"I can't say what I think now."

"Do you like it?"

"Yes, it's a beautiful dress."

"I think so too, and I think it looks good on you, too."

"Don't say that, that's embarrassing."

"What do you see in the mirror, Skylar?"

"I see myself, wearing a dress."

"And do you see a boy or a girl?"

"If I didn't know better, a girl."

"Is she a pretty girl?"

"Yes, she is a pretty girl. But this is not me."

"Yes, Skylar, that is you. It's just a different, new version of yourself."

"It's so girly."

"Can you describe that? Why is it girly?"

"The bare shoulders, legs that come out under a dress, the many layers, the wide flare."

"You look so cute."

"I'm not supposed to look cute."

"Why not?"

"Then I'm a sissy."

"Skylar, I really don't like that word. It was and still is used to insult boys who are too effeminate or too cowardly or too weak. As if there is something wrong with being female-like, and as if women and girls are cowardly and weak. Can you imagine that brother is a swear word?"

"Erm... no"

"Tell me, how does it feel to wear that dress?"

"That's not so bad. I have a pair of shorts underneath."

"Do you want to keep the dress on?"

"I doubt, this is weird."

"Why are you wiggling now, Skylar?"

"Because then the dress starts swaying. That's nice."

"Now you make me laugh, Skylar."

"It's actually kind of funny."

"Do you know which shoes would match your dress perfectly?" 

"I know what you're thinking, Riley. Those white sandals from the day before yesterday, of course, but here it ends!" 

"Good answer, but too bad," says Riley.

I now understand what Riley meant yesterday with obstacles in my brain, and with the pressure from society. I think Riley has flipped a button in my brain today. One button. A little one, because never in this life will I show myself to someone else like that. It's okay for a session with Riley. 

"What are you in the mood for now, Skylar?"

"Playing computer games, as usual."

"OK, here's the deal.”

"Here we go again."

"You're funny, Skylar. The deal is: you keep the dress on, we're gonna play, but I choose the game."

"Deal."

Riley chose a dance game. Again typical for girls. And I can't really dance. Mother once bought me that game for Christmas, but I never played with it (well, once). You see a silhouette dancing on the screen (clearly a girl), and you should try to imitate that as good as possible. I thought I'd beat Riley, but she was damn good. She won the first games, and I found that very annoying. So we kept going (until I would win).

"You have to dance more elegantly," said Riley.

Probably true, her movements were much more graceful than mine. Her tip did help, because I finally won once. We actually had a lot of fun. We laughed a lot, although at times you could call it giggling. It was also special to dance with that dress. It swung in all directions, so I was very aware of it all the time. It must have been a silly sight. I didn't film myself, but I did find a video on the internet that gives an idea of how I was dancing.

Dancing is something for girls, I would have said yesterday. It wasn't on my list yet, so I added it (and checked it). And maybe "acting silly" is part of it as well. And I also laughed a lot (number 5).

P.S. When Riley had just left, I tried the white sandals. These indeed matched the dress perfectly.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 7