Skylar's Diary - Day 23

This morning I went to school with little courage. I knew that I had to talk to Raven, and that she would be disappointed, and maybe she no longer would like to hang out with me. But sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. A man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do, although that also applies to women of course.

Raven was already waiting for me at the school gate. She didn't look angry, but you could see the disappointment in her face. I didn't really feel like talking to her.

"Riley called me yesterday, Skylar. Is it true? Are you hesitating?"

"I'm very sorry, Raven, but I don't feel like it anymore."

"Is it because of the conversation with Devon? Riley told me that too."

"You can't blame Devon. Maybe that conversation was really necessary, it made me start thinking."

"I have to be honest with you, Skylar. I'm disappointed. I thought you'd be braver."

"I'm very sorry."

"Do you mind if I talk to Devon today? In the end, I'm involved in this. I bought that dress for you, so I think I should tell him my version of the story."

"Yes, go ahead. But don't say anything about the wedding."

"No, of course not. Shall we meet after school? You know what? Come with me to my place, because there are still some of your clothes there."

"That's fine."

She sounded very determined. Almost combative. But I don't think it's going to help.

The remainder of the day at school went smoothly. There were no incidents. No embarrassing conversations. I did see Raven talking to Devon at lunch. For a long time in fact.

After school she was waiting for me. We went to her house, but we didn't say much to each other in the beginning. The silence was a bit awkward. Of course I was curious about her conversation with Devon. She brought it up herself.

"I want to apologize first, Skylar."

"Why?"

"I shouldn't have said you're not brave. That's not fair, because you've done a lot of things that many boys wouldn't dare to do."

"I don't blame you, Raven."

"And I have no right to be so disappointed. That was selfish of me. Of course it would be nice for me to be a bridesmaid, but I realize that this is a big challenge for you."

"I appreciate that you understand that."

"The conversation with Devon has opened my eyes. I understand boys better now. I told him about the dress I had bought you, and that I had first challenged you. Really, Skylar, for me that's not that big a deal. For me, there's nothing wrong with a boy who likes to wear a dress, or put on makeup. But for guys like Devon, and that's how most of them are, that's really something that's not done. I didn't think boys would have that many inhibitions."

"That's right, Raven. I too feel all those inhibitions."

"I have figured that out now. But you've already overcome many."

In the meantime we were at her house. We quickly ate something, and then went to her room.

"Skylar, can I just have one last try? One attempt to convince you to do it anyway, that wedding?"

"You can have one more try, Raven, but be prepared for a no."

"OK, thank you. I can live with that. Wait here for a moment."

She left the room, but after a few minutes she was already back. She was wearing a white dress. I’ll try to describe it for you, Dear Diary. It had a shawl collar, a discrete flower print, and a black satin sash around the waist. From the waist down, the dress became wider, and ended a bit above the knee. A tulle skirt was worn on top of it. Raven was also wearing multi strap black pumps, and a matching purse. She cares about the details, and that’s something that I appreciate. It was the kind of dress a bridesmaid could wear. Raven looked amazing. Now, Raven always looks good, but I love her in a dress like that.

"What do you think of it?"

"I am so enchanted."

"Silly boy"

"I am serious. The combination of you and that dress is infinitely great."

"OK, stop it. You could wear a dress like that too, Skylar, and now I'd like to ask you to put it on.”

"Why Raven? There's no point in that."

"You allowed me one more attempt. I'll explain it to you when you're wearing it."

"All right then."

Raven went out of the room again, and came back with the dress. Then I went to the bathroom to put it on. A few minutes later I was back in her room, with the white dress on, and the matching shoes and purse.

"Skylar, you are made to wear such dresses."

"You say that to talk me into it."

"Skylar, I am serious, and now I want you to be honest too. Do you like wearing that dress?"

"Yes, you know that."

"If you look in the mirror, do you like what you see?"

"Yes, I see a pretty me."

"Well, you are pretty. And how does it feel to have it on?"

"I feel pretty, and dainty and delicate."

"Exactly. That's what you are radiating. Look, Skylar, until now you've kept that aspect of you hidden from the outside world, and I really understand why. Pretty, dainty, and delicate, that's something for girls, but now imagine the following. Suppose the world was designed in a different way. Imagine that in that world it would be perfectly normal for boys to wear nice dresses. They all do it. So it is a very safe world for boys in a dress. Pretty, dainty, and delicate, that's something for boys in that world. Can you try to imagine that?"

I did my best. I tried to imagine such a world. And I walked around in that world in my mind.

"Close your eyes, Skylar. Imagine all those people around you. People you know, people you don't know. Friendly people. No disrespectful looks, no judgements. You walk around in the world. With a cute dress on. You feel the fabric caressing your legs. You feel the wind on your bare skin. And those who see you, see you in that dress, and they think, what a beautiful dress. What a beautiful boy. And some people say that even to you. What do you think of this world, Skylar?"

"That's the world as I want it to be."

"Skylar, I'm going to tell you something. That world exists. It's not everywhere, and it's not always there. But next week that world will be there for one day. A world where you can show who you are. A world where you will be admired for who you are."

Raven was silent, and so was I. It was quiet in the room for a moment. My eyes were still closed, and I experienced the world Raven spoke of. I was happy in that world. Also thankful, in a way I didn't know yet.

"Raven?"

"Yes?"

"I want to be in that world. With you." I opened my eyes and looked at her.

"What do you mean?"

"I want to be a bridesmaid, together with you, and this time I won't come back to my decision. You have my word. You know what? If I don’t do it, you can tell my secret to the whole school. And I'm also going to tell you why I do it. When I said yes the first time, I did so to please you. I wanted to do it for you. And there's nothing wrong with that, but I also have to do this for myself, and for Riley, and for the bridal pair, but especially for myself. You're right. This is a unique opportunity."

I said it with determination. Raven was listening to me, and I saw that her eyes were becoming a bit teary. She was crying, very quietly, but it was of joy. She stood up and grabbed me, but didn't say anything else. I also kept quiet for a moment, but then I said:

"Raven, I'm going to be honest. I'm still scared. Scared that something will go wrong. Scared that I won't do it right.  I can't do this alone."

She looked at me, with tearful eyes.

"But you are not alone. I'm with you. And Riley and your mother are in. We are going to do this perfectly. We're going to practice hard. Together."

"We are going to practice hard together. I'm looking forward to it."

"May I call Riley with the good news?"

"Yes, go ahead."

Raven called Riley immediately. I couldn't hear Riley, but I could clearly tell they were both very happy. It was getting late, so I said goodbye to Raven. After first putting on my own clothes.

When I got home I saw another message, from Raven. "Tomorrow to the store to try on the dresses. WOOHOO" Raven is a weird crazy girl. And I’m crazy about that weird crazy girl.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 24