After school we walked around a bit. We wanted to do something fun, we said yesterday, but we didn't really know what to do. In the end, walking around with each other was a lot of fun. I felt that it did not have to be more than that for her either. We walked alongside each other, and suddenly her hand touched mine. Just for a moment. Just once. Was it by accident? Should I take her hand? Show confidence. I grabbed her hand, you know, with her fingers entangled in mine, and she let me do it. It was a strange but wonderful feeling. The last time I walked with someone hand in hand I think was with my mother, years ago. We walked to her house. Now I didn't have to hesitate. After we said goodbye, I came close to her, and kissed her. She held me, and we kissed again. For minutes. "You're such an excellent kisser, you" "You're one to talk. See you tomorrow, dreamgirl." "See you tomorrow, silly."
I got home a little late, and Riley was already there when I came in. She was talking to Mom. I said I'd change first. "You don't have to today, if you don't want to," said Riley. "And if I do?" I asked. She smiled. I was in the mood for my white shirt - blue corduroy overall dress combination (see day 16). Then we went to my room. Riley immediately felt that something was going on.
"Where have you been? You're a little late," she said in a friendly way.
"I hung out with Raven for a while, and dropped her off at her house."
Riley smiled. A smile of which I guessed that she had a strong suspicion, but Riley is Riley. She's discreet, and won't ask me out, but she saw that I also started to smile.
"Why are you smiling, Skylar?" I started smiling even harder. Oh god, I couldn't hide it.
"I'm not supposed to say it yet."
"I think I already know what it is." But she didn't say what she knew. I think she even knew that I could no longer keep it to myself. And indeed:
"Raven and I have made out."
Now Riley was also smiling very hard. "Oh, how nice. I’m so happy for both of you, but it doesn't surprise me either."
"Why not?"
"Of course I wasn't one hundred percent sure, but this was about to happen. I saw you growing together over the last few days, having fun at the wedding party. And above all, that last dance..."
"I know, but it's only since yesterday."
"Whatever. Do others already know? Your mother?"
"No, you're the first, and actually I agreed with Raven that we wouldn't tell anyone yet."
"OK, I don't know anything, but you have to tell Raven that I know."
"OK."
"I'm a little relieved too, Skylar."
"Why?"
"Remember, two weeks ago, when Raven was suddenly at your door?"
"Oh yes, that was terrible. At that moment I wanted to shoot you, but now I have to thank you."
"Oh, you don't have to thank me, because I actually committed a stupidity back then."
"The best stupidity ever." Riley had to laugh.
"What are we going to do today? You have no more clothes with you, I see."
"Oh actually, I don't have many things planned for today. I wanted to have a chat about the party, and then I have a request."
"Oh no, you're not looking for a bridesmaid again, are you?"
"No, don't worry. Actually, we've done a lot in the last few weeks. What follows, depends a bit on what you want. That's why I would like to ask you to write a letter to me by tomorrow."
"Do I have to write you a letter? Couldn' t I just say what you want to know?"
"You could, but by writing a letter, you can better get things straight. You've been through a lot in the past few weeks, and I'd like to know how you experienced that, and what you learned from it. On that basis, we can then determine what we are going to do next."
"And I can talk about anything?"
"Yes, just be open and honest. Everything you write is confidential."
I promised Riley to write this letter. After that we talked about the party for a long time. How beautiful it was, how well everything went, how much we enjoyed it. We also had a chat with our mother in the living room.
I just sent a message to Raven. "Riley knows." Raven answered: "If someone should know first, it’s Riley." kiss. heart.
And then she sent, "Skylar, I have a fun idea. Would you like to bring a nice pullover of yours to school tomorrow? I'll explain it to you."
"I will."
I'm going to sleep well again tonight. I'm going to think about that letter first. Tomorrow I'll write it, before Riley arrives.
To: Skylar's Letter
Dear ukkiezorro, Well, after all, Riley is right, she is always right. She is the deus ex machina of your stories and in life. It IS up to Skylar and we shall see in which direction he / she chooses to go. That Skylar, with his newfound confidence, seems to take the initiative in kissing adds a note of complexity to this chapter as does the ambiguity of the dialogue associated with it. Who is the "dream girl"? Who is "silly"? i personally feel, i so want to believe, that Raven is referring to Skylar as her "dreamgirl" and that Skylar responds affectionately with "silly". As to the pullover, yes, girls like to exchange / share / trade clothing. We shall see where this leads. As to the letter in which Riley has instructed Skylar to express his wishes, well, i am in such suspense. i am eagerly, patiently, nervously awaiting tomorrow !!! As a profoundly feminine child who never was given a choice to be other than "masculine", i am so hoping that Skylar makes the HAPPY, the JOYFUL choice that i was able to embrace only so much almost too much later in life, but Riley is right, of course, it IS Skylar's choice, and whatever choice he / she makes will doubtlessly be supported by Riley, by his mother, and by his beloved Raven. . . . i do n't at all wish to suggest a direction for these wonderful stories in commenting in detail on them from time to time. My own wishes, my own dreams, my own choice is so evident, as is my need to have this choice, and its sweetness and its naturalness, affirmed in literature. Whatever the choice Skylar makes, these stories are so well crafted, so lovingly rendered, so beautiful and so humane, that i do class them as literature, with my hopes and dreams that they represent the dawning of a new literature of a new age of freedom and choice, in which boys CAN be girls and girls can be so intelligent and so strong and so free and can take the lead. Hearts and Kisses O O x x O O Laurianna
ReplyDeleteDear Laurianna, that last sentence of you… I’ve read it a couple of times, and my eyes got teary. What you say is so sweet, so eloquent, so uplifting… You’re raising expectations, and my fear grows that I will not be able to meet them all, but at the same time your comments give me at least the energy to try. You should know that I started this blog having no idea where it would lead to (just look at my very first post). I’ve never written fiction before. Never. This year I started a tumblr blog on which I mainly show my rather cartoony approaches of what I started to call petticoat parenting. After a few months I got the feeling that I’ve told what I wanted to tell. My main motivation to start it up was to fill a gap that I experienced. I was looking for a soft and sweet approach to introduce boys to femininity, however with sufficient tension and reluctance, reflecting the doubts that people like us always had. A month ago I started with this blog, and if you look back at the first posts, you will notice that I was still seeking. But every post brought me closer to what I wanted to write.
DeleteAnd there was another important element: your comments. I’m pretty sure that my motivation would have declined quickly without your lovely feedback, always so encouraging, always so inspiring… You’re my Riley, Laurianna. I see you as someone more experienced, but you don’t tell me what to do, since – just like Skylar – it’s up to me to decide what will come next. I just hope that you will support me in the choices I will make.
I’ve finished Skylar’s letter today, and it took a while before I knew how I would approach it. The letter is online now, and I’m really looking forward to your comments.
xxx ukkiezorro. heart. kiss.
p.s. the confusing dialogue was unintended, but I prefer it that way now ;-)
Hi ukkiezorro, Please excuse my erroneous use of "deus ex machina" . . . i realized afterward that this is not at all right . . . Riley IS in my own view an impressive example of a master spirit, a powerful, sensitive and wise young woman (and psychologist!!!) who coordinates with other women and who is so skillfully guiding Skylar . . . She is (for me) a kindly authority figure and a kind of avatar of a HAPPY future . . . i just don't quite have a word or phrase to "capture" her !!! Hearts and kisses O o x x o O Laurianna
ReplyDeleteShe's probably not a deus ex machina, since she was always been there, from the start. In some way, she is divine of course.
Deletexxx ukkiezorro