Skylar's Diary - Day 18

Dear Diary, it was like a normal day at school today. I had my bracelet on again, and my nails are still painted (hey, did you know that this way you can see how fast your nails grow?), but no further attention was being given to that. During the breaks I mainly hung out with my friends, but when Raven and I happened to meet, she smiled at me. You know, you see each other, and then that smile appears. What a beautiful smile she has. It strikes me that I think about her more often. I fantasize that we do things together, and so I'm really looking forward to tomorrow, when we go shopping.

In the evening Riley came along. This time she didn't have a lot of clothes with her, but she did have a lot of other stuff. Makeup apparently.

"Today I would like to make you really beautiful, Skylar."

"So you want to apply make-up on me."

"Yes, would you like that?"

"Not really, but I thought it would happen someday."

"It's something you should have tried."

"Are you going to make a real girl out of me now?"

"That's not the purpose of makeup, Skylar. You're not going to look like someone else. Makeup makes the beautiful aspects of your face stand out, and hides the imperfections. So you emphasize different things."

"My fate is in your hands, Riley."

"You're funny, Skylar, and I appreciate that you trust me, and that you dare to experiment."

Riley thought I shouldn't dress too casual. She wanted me to wear something nice, and she already had something in mind. It was a delicate feminine dress in black and white with an empire waist, a scalloped neckline and dainty puffed sleeves (credit to Riley for the fancy wordings). Under the dress I was wearing white tights, which gave me a feeling of protection (I felt less exposed). It was the kind of dress you would wear to a party. Riley thought I looked extremely cute and so did I. I don't have a problem with looking cute anymore, at home.

"All right, let's get started then," said Riley. She did warn me that it would be a lot of work. I had to be patient. She took out all her things, and put them on the table. I think I could barely name two things. In the bathroom there are also some of these things, but they are all mom’s, of course. Riley also asked that I would wash my face first, because that's what you have to start with.

When I was ready, I went sitting opposite to her, at the same side of the table. She stuck some hairpins in my hair so that my forehead was free. Riley also asked me to write down what she was doing, otherwise I would forget all about it. I will now try to tell you what she said, Dear Diary. 

“First I will apply some moisturizer. It reduces the chances of skin problems, and it helps your skin to stay young, although that’s not yet a concern of yours of course.”

“Now I will put primer on your face. The purpose of a face primer is to enhance the appearance of makeup and make it last longer.” She applied the primer with her fingers. I found that a bit sensual, someone’s fingers massaging my face.

“Next, you’ll get a coat of foundation. It is important that I use a color that matches your skin, not much darker or lighter.” She used a brush to apply it on my face, and went as far as my neck and earlobes.

“Now that was all just the base. Now it becomes more exciting, since I will apply a powder highlighter. It provides some depth, and creates the illusion of highlights and shadows. I’ll brighten up the deepest areas of your face: the inside corners of your eyes, underneath your eyebrows, in the center of your cupid’s bow, and on the tops and sides of your cheekbones.”

“Next, I’ll do the opposite: contouring. I’ll add a powder that is a few shades darker than your actual skin tone to the areas you want to look minimized or further away: under your cheekbones in the hollows of your cheeks, on the sides of your nose, and under your jawline.”

Wow, this all sounded like top science. There’s really a lot of theory behind this. Do all girls know this?

“Finally, I’ll add some blush to your cheeks. Just a little bit.” Riley took a large brush and applied it on the apples of my cheeks.

“So, this is it?” I asked.

“No, no, no, Skylar, I just finished your face. I still have to work on your eyes and lips.”

“Can I have a look already?”

“Can you wait a bit longer? I really want to surprise you.”

“All right then.”

“So, I’ll start again with a primer, but now for the eyeshadow. Again it gives some stability to what I’ll apply later.” Riley used her fingertip to dab on eyeshadow primer, blending it from the roots of my lashes to the top of my crease. 

“Now a delicate step, I’ll put on your eyeshadow. I’ll apply a single color over the entirety of your eyelid.” She used an eyeshadow brush to apply eyeshadow to my eyelid, starting in the center near my lash line and blending it outwards.

“I’m trying to fade your eyeshadow into your natural skin tone near your crease and the inside and outside corners of your eyes, to prevent any harsh lines from forming. The main color of eyeshadow should never go all the way to your eyebrow, and should not extend further off your lid then the end of your eyebrow. OK, I think I did well. No, I’m sure I did well.” Riley really seemed to enjoy it. Of course I was curious what I would look like, but I actually also enjoyed all those efforts that she was doing.

“Next, I’ll apply eyeliner. The purpose of eyeliner is to provide the illusion of a fuller lash line. Therefore, I’m going to choose a color that is similar to your natural hair color to go along your lashes.” She took an eyeliner pencil and first made a dotted line across my lash line, and then connected the dots to create a full, continuous line.

“And finally, to complete your eye makeup, I’ll need to top off your eyes with a bit of mascara. Since you have short lashes, I’ll use a mascara that will add length” She dipped the brush in the mascara once and lightly wiped off the excess onto the edge of the container. I had to look straight forward, while she applied it to the top lash with upward strokes. She wiggled the brush a bit as she applied it.

“Oh Skylar, this will be such a big surprise for you. Just be patient, there’s one more thing. I’m going to add some color to your lips.”

“You mean that you’ll apply lipstick.”

“Oh, it’s a bit more complicated than that. You’ll see.”

First I had to apply some lip balm, as that would make my lips a bit softer.

“Now, Skylar, I will apply lip liner that matches your lip color. I’ll just follow the natural line of your lips, and also use the pencil to fill in your lips.”

“Next, I will apply lip gloss with a brush over your lip liner. I’ll go for a natural look, so I’ll stick with a nude shade.” She started in the center of my lips, and blended the color outwards.

She put the lip gloss away, and watched my face, first with a puzzled look, and I saw her eyes scanning my whole face, searching for things that might need correction. And then suddenly, she started smiling. She seemed very satisfied.

“Now you go look in the mirror.”

Before I looked in the mirror, I thought I'd look like a clown, or like those vividly made-up ladies that you sometimes see in glossy magazines. But I saw something else. I looked in the mirror and was stunned.

"Well, Skylar, what do you think?"

I didn't say a word.

"Don't you like it?"

I was still silent.

"Come on, say something. Tell me what you see."

"I see... myself, but I… I am pretty. I see a very nice version of me. It's as if I've become prettier. But it's still me."

"You see, that's the idea, to make yourself more beautiful."

I looked at my face for a long time. I scanned every piece of my face. My cheeks, my eyes, my mouth. I turned my head a little to the left and right, but kept staring into the mirror. I opened my eyes a little further, or closed one. I pouted my lips. How strange all this was.

"And how do you feel about it?"

"It's very strange. I really feel that there is something on my face. My eyelids feel heavier. My lips stick a little bit too."

"And how do you feel emotionally?"

"It's a mixed feeling. Surprised and happy because I look so pretty. But also a bit confused because I again look more girly. I know I shouldn't feel any embarrassment for that, but I still feel it. I can't just think that feeling away."

"I do understand, Skylar, and I'm glad you can put it so well already."

"It's a strange feeling to look and feel pretty."

"…but is that a predominantly positive feeling?"

"Yes, actually it is."

Riley and I talked a bit more. I told her that I'm starting to like quite some of the things that are traditional for girls. And that I feel a bit guilty about it, but that I also know that I don't have to feel guilty about it.  We also went over the list, the list of all the things that I thought were typical for girls two weeks ago. I have to admit that many of these things apply to me as well.

"But Riley, what does that mean now? Does that mean I want to be a girl? Or that I'm just a girly boy?"

"That's a difficult question, and I can't answer it for you, but I'd rather look at it from a different angle. I and many others think there is a girl in every boy, just like there is a boy in every girl. Well, I want to let that girl in you out. Most of the boys, almost all of them, have a hard time with that, and that's why I’m here to help you. We think this is very liberating, and we call it gender liberation."

Gender liberation, I'm going to think about that a bit more. 

Just before Riley left, she asked me if I was willing to show myself to Mom. I hesitated a bit, but then agreed. Mother was - just like me - very surprised, in a positive way. She thought I looked really good. Before I went to bed, the makeup had to be removed, and Mother helped me with that.

I am very much looking forward to tomorrow, because then I will go shopping with Raven after school.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 19