Skylar's Diary - Day 22

Today was also not a nice day, Dear Diary. I went to school, without nail polish, without bracelet. I did everything I could to avoid Raven, no matter how much I like her. I hope she didn't notice. I mainly hung out with Devon, and with the other boys in my class. Just like in the old days.

In the evening, Riley came by. I had put on a white blouse, with a bow and a ruffled collar, but without enthusiasm. Underneath I wore long black pants. I wasn't in the mood for a skirt or a dress. When Riley came in, she saw it immediately:

"You're not in a good mood, are you?"

"How do you know that?"

"I can see that, Skylar. By what you are wearing."

"Can we talk, Riley?"

"Of course, always."

"I don't like it anymore."

"What don't you like anymore?"

"Everything. The wedding. The program. The sessions with you."

"Oh, what happened?"

"I don't know exactly what happened, but I think I'd better stop."

"Really? Honestly, I'm surprised, because I thought everything was going so well with you."

"Maybe so, but when I think about it, I don't feel good about it anymore."

"But why is that? Have you talked to someone?"

Riley is not stupid of course. She knew there had to be a cause. I told her about my conversation with Devon yesterday. With all the details. And that my friendship with Devon was at stake. At first I thought she would be angry, or disappointed, but she was very understanding.

"Skylar, I really understand you very well. It's perfectly normal for you to think that way now. This happens a lot. There is always resistance, often from friends. I admit that a lot has changed lately. Especially for you, of course. And it all went very fast, maybe too fast. And then that's my fault. I'll never blame you for anything."

Then it happened. I started crying. In front of Riley. I don't know why. It happened by itself. Perhaps because she reacted in such a sweet way. I would never have allowed myself to cry in front of a girl before, but now I couldn't resist. I thought that she would ask me why I was crying, but she didn't. She grabbed me, and she just let me cry. It seemed to take 15 minutes, but it was probably shorter.

When I finally calmed down, she said again "I'm sorry, Skylar."

As if it was her fault.

"I'm not gonna be able to do it, this wedding."

"Is that it, Skylar? Is that what worries you so much?"

"I think so."

"Then you don't have to do it, Skylar. I'll explain it to my girlfriend. And I'll find someone else. I asked you first, because I thought you were the best choice."

"Thank you, but I think I said yes for the wrong reasons."

"Why then?"

"Because of Raven."

"Did you want to do it for her? Do you care for her so much?"

"I do."

"That's sweet of you, Skylar, but she probably will be disappointed now."

"I know that, and that's why I feel bad."

"You know what I see? I see a sensitive boy, concerned about others, who is kind and sweet and cute."

I started crying again, but this time a bit quieter. Riley took the list and asked if she could draw the circles.

"Go ahead," I said.

"Can I ask you one more thing, Skylar?"

"Of course."

"Is it okay for me to wait another day before I tell my friend who marries? I'm going to look for alternatives, but I don't want to tell her yet, because then she'll be upset."

"That's fine."

"That also gives you the chance to think about it."

"I don't think that's necessary."

"I understand that. And then something else..."

"What?"

"Raven must know. Do you want me to tell her, or do you want to tell her?"
"I think I'd rather you say it, Riley. I don't want to be confronted with her disappointment."

"Look, I'll say that you don't feel like it anymore, but that you haven't made a final decision either. Is that good?"

"That's fine."

"And then tomorrow you can tell her yourself what you decide. But she'll be prepared by then."

"That's fine."

Tomorrow isn't going to be a good day either. I'll have to tell Raven, and she's going to be very disappointed.  Damn it, why did I go so far with this?

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 23