Skylar's Diary - Day 17

We didn't have to go to school this afternoon, so I stayed home. I had quite a bit of homework, and I also wanted to play some games. I put on the school uniform from a week ago, you know, that dark blue one with pleated skirt. I find it comfortable, it creates a feeling of freedom and lightness, and I honestly find it a bit sensual. It always takes some time to get used to it when I'm wearing it, but after a while I'm accustomed to it. What's more, when I wear it while doing my homework, I seem more focused. I also sit with my back nice and straight at my desk. However, playing computer games was a bit more difficult when wearing that uniform, especially when I played online with my friends (who fortunately can't see me). It's true what Riley said earlier: what you wear determines how you feel, and how you think.

In the late afternoon mother came home, and I didn't bother to change anymore. It did surprise her a bit.

"It seems like you like wearing that uniform."

"That's true. You don't mind, do you?"

"Oh no, it looks cute on you."

Cute? But I am her son. Then I asked the question I wanted to ask for a while now.

"Mother, why did you sign me up for this program anyway?"

She realized that she couldn't just give a quick answer to that question. She sat next to me.

"To be honest, Skylar, I wasn't sure if this was a good idea either. If, after a few days, I had noticed that things were not going well, I would have ended it."

"But why did you consider it in the first place?"

"Because I had the feeling that you weren't feeling comfortable in your own skin. The two of us didn't get along either. So I went online to look up some things, and I found out about this program. The website contained a lot of information, but first I made an appointment with the organization, and that's how I got to know Riley."

"So you had met her before."

"Yes, and I clicked with her right away. I have to admit that I thought it was a strange idea, but Riley convinced me to try it. I think she explained it to you, too."

"Yes, she has. And so far it's not that bad, but sometimes I wonder if you wouldn't rather have had a daughter."

"Oh good heavens, Skylar, you really shouldn't think that. I am really very happy with you as my son, and it is certainly not the intention that you will become my daughter."

"Phew."

"No, I just want you to find your way to the best version of yourself. I love you, Skylar."

"I love you too, mom."

Well, it's been a while since we've said that to each other. It's nice to be able to get along better with my mother again.

"Oh, Skylar, do you still want that haircut?"

"No, don't bother, not for a while."

My longer hair actually makes it easier for me to go out in girls' clothes. Let people be a bit confused. I think I still benefit from the fact that people sometimes mistake me for a girl.

In the evening I was sitting at my computer, and I saw that Raven was online. Would I do it? I opened a chat window and typed "Hi". Then anxiously wait and see.

Nothing happened.

For minutes.

I was a bit disappointed.

And suddenly:

"Hi"

She answered. She replied. Yes. And now what? Standard question.

"What are you doing?"

"Chatting, now also with you"

"And with some other friends?"

"Yes, five"

"Wow"

"I'm used to that."

"Finished your homework?"

"Yes, for a while now. You?"

"Me too"

Well, we've been chatting about trivial things for a while, until suddenly she asks.

"What are you wearing?"

I didn't want to lie to her, but I still felt some embarrassment.

"School uniform". That was the truth, and did not reveal too much.

"For boys or for girls?"

Oh, jeez, she's that smart.

"For girls""

"With a pleated skirt?"

"Yes"

"So cute"

"Erm"

"Is Riley there?"

That would have been a good excuse, but I shouldn't lie.

"No"

"So you're wearing a skirt for fun?"

"Yes"

What's she supposed to think of me now?

"Awesome"

Phew, I thought.

"And what are you wearing?" I asked.

"Skinny jeans"

What a pity, I thought, somehow I was hoping that she was wearing a pretty dress or so, but I didn't want to show any disappointment.

"It's a shook up world"

"That's right."

"The day after tomorrow I'm going out shopping," she continued.

"Nice"

"Do you want to come with me? I haven't asked anyone else yet."

Don't hesitate.

"I'd love to"

"After school?"

"Fine"

Well, this could have turned out worse. I keep finding it strange that Raven acts like it's all normal, what I do. I still wonder what she thinks of me. Am I some kind of friend to her? Am I a potential boyfriend? No, certainly not. Am I someone she wants to take care of, a bit like a pet? Why does she do this anyway? Would she just really like me? I'm going to have to live in uncertainty for a while.

Skylar's Diary - Day 18