Skylar's Diary - Day 31

It was an animated day at school, Dear Diary. This morning I put on Raven's sweater, as agreed, and I found that a pleasant start to the day. The very idea that I would wear something from a girl was exciting. And the fact that that piece of clothing belongs to Raven, made it even more fun. I was a little frightened by the potential reactions though, because everyone in the class knows that this sweater is Raven's. The sweater is also a bit girly, because it is so oversized. Too wide sleeves, and so long that it covers my butt. Well, girls like to exaggerate when it comes to their clothes, and I actually like that.

Raven had received one of my sweaters, a pretty ordinary sweater actually, in an ordinary color, with an ordinary length, and an ordinary cap, and an apple on the front. Boys only have ordinary sweaters. Boys never exaggerate, at least not when it comes to their clothes. But even though Raven wore an ordinary sweater, she looked attractive again. Actually, it doesn't matter what she's wearing. She always looks good.

Of course the first conversations at school were about Raven and me. Our friends were very excited, and came to congratulate us. We could both enjoy that. Devon also came to say that he was so happy for me. "You won the first prize," he said. There is something about that, because many boys think Raven is an attractive girl. And for the first time I was able to give Raven a hug in public.

Unfortunately, there were also incidents. The first happened in the hallway. I walked with Raven to the next classroom, and suddenly I got a push. I almost lost my balance. "Out of the way, sissy." It was Brandon, who bypassed us. Raven and I were too stunned to say anything. "Ah, don't bother," said Raven. I found it very annoying.

Afterwards, in Mrs. Liang's class, he did it again. I gave a correct answer to a question from the teacher, to which Brandon said just loud enough, so that everyone could hear it "Well done, sissy."  Several boys started chuckling. Again, I didn't know how to react, but I thought Mrs. Liang's reaction was brilliant. I found her calmness particularly impressive.

"Brandon, do you mind if I interrupt the lesson for a moment, and go into what you just said?"

"Of course not," said Brandon. Interrupting the lesson is a favorite pastime for students.

"Could you explain to us why you think Skylar is a sissy?"

"Well, look at what he's wearing. A girl's sweater."

"And do you have a problem with that?"

"Not in itself, but he does make a fool of himself."

"Just another question. Raven is wearing a boy's sweater, is she making a fool of herself?"

"Erm no, I don't think so."

"So women are allowed to wear men's clothes, but men are not allowed to wear women's clothes. Why is it, Brandon, that many people have such a problem with this? Could it be that the former is considered as an upgrade, and the latter as a downgrade?"

Brandon no longer knew what to say. Of course, he couldn't admit that women are inferior to men. Then Raven raised her hand.

"Yes, Raven," said Mrs. Liang.

"I have a question. For everyone actually, not just for Brandon. I wonder what's wrong with girls and women, so boys and men shouldn't resemble them."

Immediately there was a lot of buzz, and Mrs. Liang let it go. Then she summoned everyone to order.

"I notice that we have found a very interesting subject for a discussion. We're not going to discuss this today, because we all have to think about it first. I will prepare an assignment. And, Brandon, I hope you understand that your comment was very inappropriate."

Other than that, there were no incidents, but I still did not feel comfortable with them. All I did was wearing a girl's sweater. What if they had seen me at the wedding? How would they have responded to that? Again I started to question everything I was doing. Later, Raven saw that I was brooding, and of course she knew why.

"Skylar, I understand that it is very annoying for you. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea of mine after all."

"Raven, I love having your sweater on, I have absolutely no regrets about that. Brandon just ruined it a bit."

"Ah, he's just jealous."

"Why would he?"

"He knows that we are together now, and that's a disappointment for him. He has tried to hang out with me a couple of times, but I really didn't want that."

"Really? Does he have a crush on you?"

"I think so, so I understand that this is bad for him."

"Ha, then I've beaten him." Raven had to laugh, but she also said:

"Hey, I'm not a prey you can hunt, Mr. Competition!" And she poked me with her hip.

"Then he should have put on a dress," I continued. Now Raven gave me a slap, but no hard slap of course. We could laugh with it. After school I brought her back home, and we kissed. It has become a routine, a wonderful routine.

When I got home, I took off my long pants and put on a black legging, like Raven did today. In that outfit I just felt better. A bit more feminine. More feminine is better. I ate with my mother.

"Mom, I need to tell you something." I couldn't say this without smiling.

"Judging by your face, it's good news." My smile grew wider.

"Raven and I are together." Now mother brightened up completely.

"Oh, how nice for you. I think Raven is a very sweet girl. Is it her sweater you're wearing?"

"Yes, I wore it all day at school."

"How sweet. And I suppose you've had a lot of reactions?"

"Yes, especially positive."

"Negative too, then?"

"Yes, there is one guy in my class who is very annoying. He always makes shitty remarks when I do something that's just a little girly. Guys like him make me feel insecure."

"I understand that, Skylar. There are people in the world who aren't very nice. The best thing you can do is ignore them. Pay attention to the good things you see, and they will grow. Ignore the bad things, and eventually they will disappear."

I thought that was a good piece of advice from Mom.

In my room I went over the list again, because it was quite a while ago.

Number 2. Definitely by now. At the wedding party I felt beautiful, and I enjoyed that.

Number 3. I am still in doubt. I can't think of any good examples yet.

Number 6. Here I doubt too. Not that I do badly at school, but there is still room for improvement.

Number 8. Has actually always been true for me.

Number 9. I'm not a real talker, and I don't spend hours chatting online. Hm, so don't indicate yet.

Number 13. Should I indicate. Most of the boys are stronger than me.

Number 18. Well, I did it today.

Number 19. I need to think about it. Raven, that's easy, my apple sweater, a black legging, and I think red sports shoes. Mrs. Liang, a suit that resembles what I wore yesterday, but a bit more modest: a longer skirt, and with the shirt all the way up, no stockings, but heels. Devon, boring boys' clothes, long pants, a fortnite t-shirt, sneakers. Mother, a white silk blouse with butterfly sleeves, and a brown leather A-line skirt just over the knee, but at home she wasn’t wearing shoes. Oh, come on, number 19 applies to me.

Conclusion: I have many girl properties. A lot.

Skylar's Diary - Day 32

Skylar's Diary - Day 30

Today I had a very fine session with Riley, Dear Diary, but let me start with what happened at school. Raven has already told a friend from school about us. She couldn't do otherwise, because that friend had seen us walking, hand in hand. I don't mind. It does mean however that tomorrow everyone at school will know. I don't mind that either. And neither does Raven.

So Raven had asked me to bring a pullover from me. I gave her one that I had worn for one day, and apparently she had the same idea. The intention is that I put on her pullover tomorrow at school, and she will put on mine. Just for fun, but also to confirm our relationship to everyone.

Other than that, not much special happened at school. The moments with Raven still make my heart beat faster. She is such a lovable girl. After school I took her home. We kissed again.

During the day I had sent a text message to Riley. I asked her if she could bring clothes that express power. She didn't ask why, she just answered "I will." I sometimes find her apparent lack of curiosity annoying, although I realize that she always has a good reason to do so.

When she got home, the first thing she said was: “Before I forget, Skylar, I am throwing a birthday party this Saturday, at my home. I would really appreciate if you would come.”

“Cool. Is Raven invited?”

“Of course she is.”

“Of course I’ll be there.”

“Great”. She took her bag and gave me a set of clothes. 

"This is what women often wear at work. Especially if they want to appear confident, for example at important meetings. And at the same time they radiate femininity. The combination of self-confident and feminine is very powerful."

I handed over my letter to Riley, and while she was reading it, I put on the outfit she brought. I must admit however that this outfit doesn't, or doesn't yet, suit me very well. It doesn't, or doesn't yet, match my personality, but I did like to wear it. As if I could feel the power this outfit generates. You could say it's the feminine version of a men's suit. The jacket and skirt were in the same dark grey fabric, and underneath I wore a white shirt,  sufficiently open to show cleavage, which I have not (yet) (just kidding). I also wore dark transparent stockings and pumps with high heels. This could have been my superhero suit, I thought.

While I was looking in the mirror, Riley was reading the letter. Of course I was a bit insecure. Would she like the letter?

She didn't say anything immediately. It seemed like it took her a long time. And then I saw something that I didn't expect, but that reassured me. I saw a few tears in her eyes. She put down the letter, and first took a tissue. Then she spoke.

"Skylar, this letter is the best letter you could have written. You can't imagine how happy you make me with this letter."

She didn't talk all the way through. She paused regularly.

"Your metaphor. I understand perfectly what you mean, and I totally agree with what you write."

She paused again. She was obviously a bit sentimental, and I noticed that she is not used to that herself, at least not in front of others.

"What you write about me, about your mother, and about Raven, is so sweet. And so beautifully worded."

"Erm, thank you." I thought I had to say something.

"What you write confirms my findings, and it will help us decide what to do next. Come on, sit down, I want to tell you a few things."

I sat next to her, and she said a lot. I'm trying to write down the most important thing here.

"What I like so much is that you describe your feminine side as a second lung. So it's not about something you do, or about the choices you make, but about who you are. It's a part of you. A part that you've only just discovered, and so far haven't used much. And what I like even more is that you say that it makes you a better person. What you write so much confirms what I hoped to achieve with you."

As she said all those things, I felt myself grow. As if at that moment I felt how quickly I was changing.

"Your letter also says what you are not, you are not a girl trapped in a boy's body, like Meagan used to be. I had already come to that conclusion. Your first lung is well developed, and that's why everything has gone reasonably well so far. For example, you're rather competitive, you don't like losing, and you can't stand being called a coward. These are typical boys' characteristics. And you're also crazy about a girl. But your second lung is at least as strong as your first. That's the girl in you, and you know she can give you many powers. I now understand why you wanted to try those clothes. I really appreciate you took this initiative."

"But am I a he or a she?" I asked. That's a question I've been wondering about for a while.

"It's actually a wrong question. You are a he and a she. You are both, but the 'she' in you wants to develop further, because she has been locked up for so long. I can see that in the questions you ask at the end in the letter."

She thought for a moment again, because she wanted to formulate good answers to my questions.

"You wonder why Raven is so crazy about you. I can only give you this advice: just ask her. There's no need to be afraid of that. You know, a few weeks ago I first told her about what I'm doing, and she really loved the idea. It was also her request to be able to hang out with a boy like you."

That’s something I didn’t know yet. She continued.

"I really appreciate that you see your second lung as a superpower, and not as something that makes you weaker. It's also wise of you to realize that superpowers can also turn against you. But unfortunately I can't tell you exactly what to do with it. From now on you have to make the choices, Skylar. You are strong enough, and I will be there to help you, and to advise you. You have to think about it yourself. Keep in mind that you already have this advantage: You've already once used your superpower."

"That's true, but everything fell into place at the time. The wedding was the perfect opportunity to try out my superpower. I wish that world was always there, or more often, but I'm afraid it won't come back."

"That world can come back, Skylar, but you have to make it yourself."

"I think I know what you mean, but that idea scares me."

"Of course it does. That's why I'm here, and your mother, and Raven.”

We chatted a bit further on the events of the past weeks, and at some point I asked:

“Ah yes, another thing, Riley..."

"Yeah?"

"I want to try something else, but I find it a bit awkward to ask."

"Awkward can be fun..."

"I'd like to try something sensual again, but without you there."

"I think I know what you mean. Next time I'll bring a few things."

“And another thing: What should I wear at your party?”

“That’s your decision. Anything you feel comfortable in.”

"Riley?"

"Yes?"

"I think you're amazing. Can I give you a hug?"

"I think you're amazing too. Come here."

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 31

Skylar's Letter

Dear Riley,

You asked me to write you a letter. A letter in which I would tell you how I have experienced the past few weeks, and what I have learned from all those experiences. I know why you're asking me that, and I've thought about it for a long time. And after all this thinking I came to the conclusion that I don't want to write a letter to you, but to myself. This letter is for the Skylar of a month ago. I hope you’re not disappointed, Riley, that this letter isn't addressed to you, but in this way I managed better to tell you what happened to me. And don't worry, Riley, you have my permission to read this letter too.

Hi Skylar,

It's me, your older me. The Skylar that you will be within a month. You will be surprised to receive this letter, but soon you will learn why. What I especially want to do with this letter, dear Skylar, is to reassure you. There are exciting times ahead of you, but know that everything will be all right at the end. I'm not going to tell you everything yet, but I'm going to tell you this: You will survive the coming month.

First I have some bad news for you, Skylar: You only have one lung, but you don't know it. You've never known otherwise. Living with one lung is a limitation, but you have learned to live with it. The good news is that within a few weeks you will have discovered your second lung. And suddenly a lot more will be possible. You have more oxygen, and you will be able to do things you couldn't before. Things you didn't even know were possible. You will feel like another person, a person who is richer than the person you are now.

In the meantime, you have already met Riley. At first glance she seems soft and friendly, but you don't trust her. She asks you very weird things. They may seem very superficial things, but these superficial things are going to drag you into a turmoil. I can already tell you that you can trust Riley. Not only does she look soft and friendly, she is also soft and friendly, and sensible, and supportive. She is your coach. You will sometimes resist what she asks of you, but she will break that resistance without you realizing it. And you'll thank her for that afterwards, because without her you won't be able to discover that second lung, and that would be a great pity for the me of today.

Skylar, you and your mother are not doing so well at the moment, and that's a little bit up to you. Now I can say that. I now have a better understanding of how difficult it was for her after the death of our father. I now realize that I didn't make it easier for her because of my rebellious behavior, even though that behavior was probably my way of coping with dad's death as well. You don't feel so good about yourself now, Skylar, and you don't have much self-confidence, but thanks to that second lung that will improve. I can only say: love your mother, and you will get an incredible amount of love in return. She is your best supporter. You will see that she will support you in all the crazy things you are going to do.

And then there's someone else, Skylar. Someone you already know a bit, but not so well. You're going to get to know her better, and she's going to get to know you better. And with her you are going to use that second lung. The second lung that hasn't worked all these years, and now has to learn to do what it has to do. That person will be your sparring partner, your buddy, who will practice with you. Moreover, you are going to become crazy about that person. She's going to be the best thing that ever happened to you. And you'll see that person getting crazy about you too, although you'll start to wonder why she is. Oh, I also would like to warn you: your first encounter with her is going to frighten you, but again, it's going to be okay.

Within a month you will still be wondering what to do with that second lung. Do you always want to use it? Can everyone know you have it? Sometimes you will even start feeling guilty for having such a second lung. Is that second lung a superpower, and will you become a superhero with a secret identity? What I can already tell you is that within a few weeks there will be an opportunity to use that second lung. You'll doubt at first , but then you will seize that opportunity, and many will see it. And they will look at you as if you are a superhero.  You'll see what powers this lung has, and how your superpower does good things not only for you, but also for others. But you will also start to wonder if this superpower can't work against you. Some may not want you to use that second lung...

Yes, Skylar, there are exciting times ahead of you, but I can already tell you that you're still alive within a month. And that you are doing well.

In the meantime, I eagerly await the letter from my one-month older Skylar.

Kind regards,

your one-month older Skylar

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 30

Skylar's Diary - Day 29

After all those days full of excitement, there was finally a quiet day. And I was able to enjoy the afterglow. I was really looking forward to going to school, just because I would see Raven. And when I saw her, my heart started to pound faster. I guess that's what crushing feels like. We agreed not to say anything to anyone yet. It has to be a secret between the two of us for a while. During the lessons I was not focused. I watched Raven all the time, and I saw that she also looked at me a lot, but then we realized that we shouldn't get caught.

After school we walked around a bit. We wanted to do something fun, we said yesterday, but we didn't really know what to do. In the end, walking around with each other was a lot of fun. I felt that it did not have to be more than that for her either. We walked alongside each other, and suddenly her hand touched mine. Just for a moment. Just once. Was it by accident? Should I take her hand? Show confidence. I grabbed her hand, you know, with her fingers entangled in mine, and she let me do it. It was a strange but wonderful feeling. The last time I walked with someone hand in hand I think was with my mother, years ago. We walked to her house. Now I didn't have to hesitate. After we said goodbye, I came close to her, and kissed her. She held me, and we kissed again. For minutes. "You're such an excellent kisser, you" "You're one to talk. See you tomorrow, dreamgirl." "See you tomorrow, silly."

I got home a little late, and Riley was already there when I came in. She was talking to Mom. I said I'd change first. "You don't have to today, if you don't want to," said Riley. "And if I do?" I asked. She smiled. I was in the mood for my white shirt - blue corduroy overall dress combination (see day 16). Then we went to my room. Riley immediately felt that something was going on.

"Where have you been? You're a little late," she said in a friendly way.

"I hung out with Raven for a while, and dropped her off at her house."

Riley smiled. A smile of which I guessed that she had a strong suspicion, but Riley is Riley. She's discreet, and won't ask me out, but she saw that I also started to smile.

"Why are you smiling, Skylar?" I started smiling even harder. Oh god, I couldn't hide it.

"I'm not supposed to say it yet."

"I think I already know what it is." But she didn't say what she knew. I think she even knew that I could no longer keep it to myself. And indeed:

"Raven and I have made out."

Now Riley was also smiling very hard. "Oh, how nice. I’m so happy for both of you, but it doesn't surprise me either."

"Why not?"

"Of course I wasn't one hundred percent sure, but this was about to happen. I saw you growing together over the last few days, having fun at the wedding party. And above all, that last dance..."

"I know, but it's only since yesterday."

"Whatever. Do others already know? Your mother?"

"No, you're the first, and actually I agreed with Raven that we wouldn't tell anyone yet."

"OK, I don't know anything, but you have to tell Raven that I know."

"OK."

"I'm a little relieved too, Skylar."

"Why?"

"Remember, two weeks ago, when Raven was suddenly at your door?"

"Oh yes, that was terrible. At that moment I wanted to shoot you, but now I have to thank you."

"Oh, you don't have to thank me, because I actually committed a stupidity back then."

"The best stupidity ever." Riley had to laugh.

"What are we going to do today? You have no more clothes with you, I see."

"Oh actually, I don't have many things planned for today. I wanted to have a chat about the party, and then I have a request."

"Oh no, you're not looking for a bridesmaid again, are you?"

"No, don't worry. Actually, we've done a lot in the last few weeks. What follows, depends a bit on what you want. That's why I would like to ask you to write a letter to me by tomorrow."

"Do I have to write you a letter? Couldn' t I just say what you want to know?"

"You could, but by writing a letter, you can better get things straight. You've been through a lot in the past few weeks, and I'd like to know how you experienced that, and what you learned from it. On that basis, we can then determine what we are going to do next."

"And I can talk about anything?"

"Yes, just be open and honest. Everything you write is confidential."

I promised Riley to write this letter. After that we talked about the party for a long time. How beautiful it was, how well everything went, how much we enjoyed it. We also had a chat with our mother in the living room.

I just sent a message to Raven. "Riley knows." Raven answered: "If someone should know first, it’s Riley." kiss. heart.

And then she sent, "Skylar, I have a fun idea. Would you like to bring a nice pullover of yours to school tomorrow? I'll explain it to you."

"I will."

I'm going to sleep well again tonight. I'm going to think about that letter first. Tomorrow I'll write it, before Riley arrives.

To: Skylar's Letter

Skylar's Diary - Day 28

Yesterday seemed like the best day of my life. Today was even better, although the day started very quietly. I slept for a long time, and then I went out to brunch with my mother. In the afternoon I played some games, and then I got a message from Raven. "Is it okay if I drop by tonight? There are still clothes of mine with you." "Of course" I answered.

She arrived quite late. Because I knew that Raven was coming, I had put on the dress of our first meeting. I straightened up nicely, and walked as elegantly as possible. Not too feminine, just radiating confidence. I could tell from her face that she liked it. She was wearing skinny jeans and a big sweater. Her clothes were already nicely washed and ironed ready in my room, so we went there for a while. I sat down on the bed, and she was standing at my desk. Her clothes were on it. 

"Skylar, I also want to tell you that I really enjoyed it yesterday. I thought it was a wonderful day."

"So did I.”

"But that's mainly because of you. I think you did a great job, the whole ceremony and so. And then the dancing at the party. I still can't believe how wild we have been. I am not kidding: I've never had so much fun before."

"Raven, without you, none of this would have happened. That ceremony went so well, because you helped me so well. And I danced wildly, because you danced wildly."

It stayed quiet for a while. Then she asked:

"May I sit next to you for a moment?"

"Of course."

She came to sit next to me on the bed, but didn't say anything. She looked at me. I looked at her. Suddenly it seemed as if her head was getting a little closer, but she stopped. I kept looking at her. Then I looked at her lips. I also came a little closer. She didn't move, she was looking at my lips now. My heart began to beat faster, because I knew what was going to happen.

And it happened. Slowly her head came closer to mine. She closed her eyes. I closed my mouth, and I breathed through my nose. She tilted her head a little to the left. I did that too. I touched her lips with my lips. Very gently. For a moment, but we stayed close together. I kissed her lips. She put a hand on my knee. I put a hand on her back.

We kissed each other on the mouth several times. That was the only sound in the room. Our lips then stayed together a little longer. I stuck out my tongue a little bit, and caressed her lips. For a moment. She moaned, very quietly. I did it again. She caressed my leg. Gently. I stroked her back. Gently.

She also stuck out her tongue. A little bit. The tips of our tongues were rubbing gently against each other, slowly and gently. It was quiet in the room, I heard her breath, I saw her up close, I smelled her skin, I felt her body, I tasted her tongue. These feelings were beyond description, because I had never felt anything like it before, and I loved it. We kissed each other for a long time. Time seemed to stand still.

We stopped for a moment.

"Wow," she said quietly.

"Wow," I said quietly.

We didn't know what to say yet. She came closer again, we kissed again, and suddenly she pushed me on the bed. We were lying next to each other on our side, and we kissed. It seemed more intense now, a bit wilder. But I loved it, and I felt that she loved it too. How nice it was to feel what someone else felt. Again time seemed to stand still.

So much excitement, we got a bit tired of it. We lay next to each other on the bed, and looked at the ceiling. This was my first kiss, and I realized that I would remember that first kiss for the rest of my life.

"Skylar?"

"Yes."

"I thought yesterday was the best day of my life, but this day is even better."

"That's what I think of it."

"Really?"

"Really, or we can say that this day still belongs to the previous one."

"Good idea."

"You know what I would like now?"

"No"

"That we can stay here on the bed. As long as we want. A week or so. The rest of the world can get lost."

"That's what I would like too, Skylar, but... I have to go home, it's late."

"I'm so sad about that."

"Tomorrow we'll see each other again, at school."

"I'm not going to be able to do anything but look at you."

She smiled. "Are we going to do something fun after school?"

"Yes, if it's up to me, every day, but not too long, because tomorrow night Riley is coming."

"OK. We have a date. I have to leave now."

"Raven? Did you really come just to pick up your clothes?"

"I wanted to see you too, I admit that. I wasn't really looking for something, but I do know now that I’ve found it."

I smiled. She kissed me on the mouth and left.

So this is cloud nine, Dear Diary. I never want to get off again. Raven left an hour ago. I'm going to bed right away, in my pink nightie, dreaming of Raven. I just got a message from her. " Sleep well, very first and best boyfriend ever", and a heart and a kiss. I'm going to send something back soon.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 29

Skylar's Diary - Day 27

Dear Diary, if you want to know how someone's best day in life might turn out, I'll tell you now. It's late now, I just had a little sleep in the car. But even though it was a tiring day, I still have enough energy to write this down.

The day started early. Getting up, showering, having breakfast. Riley would pick up Raven and come home to us. Raven came in pirouetting. What a lovely girl. Riley was already wearing a nice dress, and was already made up. She looked beautiful. Mother was almost ready. They had to, because they would still have a lot of work to do on us (Raven and I).

Raven and I put on our dresses, and we had to sit next to each other. Riley was doing the makeup on Raven, and my mother was doing me. That way they could compare all the time, because their goal was to have our makeup in the same style. It was certainly not the intention to exaggerate, we went for a nude look. You don't really see the makeup, but you do look better.

We got in the car, and drove to the hall. Raven and I were sitting in the backseat. I started to get very nervous, and Raven had noticed. I guess that's why she started talking to me about everyday things, so that my attention was distracted. I could appreciate her jokes.

We arrived quite early, but I thought that was good, because then I could get used to the situation. Raven and I immediately went to the place where we had to wait for the two brides, but we were standing there still rather relaxed. There were already some people, but we were ignored. To be honest, that comforted me, since I became more and more nervous. Suddenly Raven poke me with her hip. 

"That dress looks so great on you."

I smiled nervously, and didn't know how to react. She poke me again.

"Damm girl, you look good."

"Raven, why are you doing this?"

"I’m giving you a compliment, to give you confidence. "

"Ah, ok."

She poke me again.

"You have to give back a compliment now, dude."

I must have drawn a silly face, because I still didn't say anything back. Probably because of the nerves.

"You know, like girls on social media do," said Raven.

I figured it out. I poked her back with my hip.

"And you're all gorgeous!"

"Oh, but look at you, have you seen yourself?"

"Your hair looks amazing."

"You've got such nice eyes."

"I love your smile."

"Children. Children. They have arrived." Mother came to tell us that the bridal couple had arrived. Raven's game did ease the tension in me a bit, but now my heart was at 200 a minute. I think I've never been so nervous. For a moment I hoped that all this wouldn't happen. I wish I was at home, sitting comfortably in the couch. But running away was of course not an option now. It would have been the most cowardly act ever. The master of ceremony gave the sign. Now Raven and I had to step forward. The music started. I looked at Raven, right in her eyes. She smiled, and we took off.

And suddenly all my fears were gone. It had begun. Raven and I walked forward, with more than a hundred looks at us. Friendly looks. I heard some ooh's and ah's. It felt perfect. Everything was right, and I liked it. It was good to be there. With Raven. In a dress.

Everything went smoothly. The whole ceremony. It was all so beautiful. The lyrics, the music, the indication of the rings. Without thinking about it, I sat on my chair as it should be: nice and straight, flowers on my lap, legs together, ankles crossed. The ceremony ended, and the formal part was over. The atmosphere was exhilarating. Everyone was so happy that everything had gone so well. Of course I was also very happy. Everyone congratulated everyone, and the party could begin.

The reception took place in a beautiful garden behind the hall. The bridal couple stood at the entrance to welcome the people, and to receive the congratulations. Raven and I were allowed to do whatever we wanted, and we walked through the garden. Raven was of course also happy that everything had gone so well.

At one point the photographer came to both of us. He wanted to take some pictures of the two of us. Oh no, now we have to pose, I thought. I can’t do that. But it was a professional photographer who gave us very clear instructions, and also encouraged us constantly. This also turned out to be very enjoyable for Raven and me. There was one awkward moment though. The photographer asked me to give Raven a kiss. A simple kiss, on the cheek, but I wasn't sure if Raven would want that. That uncertainty didn't last long, because Raven offered her cheek. And as you know, a photographer always takes multiple pictures, so I had to give multiple kisses. 

And then it had to be the other way around. "Wait a minute," Raven said, and she took lipstick and rubbed her lips with a thick layer of red lipstick. "What are you doing now?" I said. And before I knew it, she gave me a very big kiss on my cheek. And then she laughed long and loudly, because of course there was a giant lipstick print on my cheek now. The photographer made some close-ups of it. After that Raven helped me to get those lips off my cheek.

During the reception a lot of people came to congratulate us, especially me. How well we performed. How good we looked. How brave that I was. How stylish I did it. I gratefully received all those congratulations. Meagan also came by to say how feminine I came across, and that she meant that as a compliment. I keep finding it a strange compliment, but I appreciated it.

There was an exquisite buffet. Lovely, then you can choose for yourself what will be on your plate. I have eaten quite a lot, and it was very cozy at the table with Raven, Riley and mother. I was sitting between Raven and mother, and felt a bit protected that way.

And the best was yet to come, Dear Diary. The dancing. In the beginning I really didn't feel like it, but not feeling like it is not an option with Raven. At one point they played a song that is also on our computer dance game. Raven and I had already danced to it at home. So, she grabbed my wrist, and pulled me to the dance floor. As I said, saying no is not an option for Raven. Thanks to the computer game, I knew which movements to make. The funny thing was that Raven made the same moves. We had a lot of fun, and suddenly I noticed that there were people watching us. And then something happened, Dear Diary, that I had never thought possible.

Suddenly I experienced a freedom I had never felt before. I danced and I was happy. I realized that I was dancing there, me, a boy in a dress, and many people around me. But I felt free and happy like never before. All the tensions of the previous days and weeks were gone. I experienced the world as Raven had described it. A world in which you can be whoever you want, a world in which you are even appreciated for who you are. What a wonderful world, what a wonderful feeling to be accepted. This is what Riley must have meant by gender liberation.

And I kept dancing, to every song, wilder and wilder. Raven first looked with big eyes as if she wanted to say "How crazy are you now?", but she joined in. She tried to outdo me in madness. Our moves got crazier and crazier. I used muscles that I didn't even know existed. We laughed ourselves into stitches. I was euphoric. I was who I was. Skylar, the boy in a dress. In a trance.

Then there was also a slow dance. First the married couple started, and then they invited other people. I had self-confidence, a lot of self-confidence. Now I took Raven by the hand, to the dance floor, and we danced a slow dance. For the first time ever, I noticed that Raven was now uncomfortable. She wasn't used to this. We looked each other in the eye, but said nothing. Her gaze was different. A little insecure. She smiled with her lips, but her eyes said something else. And what do you have to say at such a moment? Suddenly she came closer, and she laid her head on my shoulders. I smelled her hair. Delicious smell. I pressed her gently against me. Raven is the coolest girl ever.

And at some point we had to go home anyway. I fell asleep in the car. I hadn't even noticed when Raven got out, because they let me sleep.

So I've only just got home. I took off my makeup, and took a quick shower. I am now wearing my pink nightdress, and I still feel the euphoria. Tomorrow is a day of rest. I'm going to sleep late. First I'll quickly expand my list.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 28

Skylar's Diary - Day 26

I've had another busy day, Dear Diary, and I think I'm ready for tomorrow, even though I'm still worried of course. 

Since I didn't have much time left, I took every opportunity to practice, thinking about what Raven taught me yesterday. I walked nicely upright to school, with not too big steps, and kept my school stuff in front of me as if it were a bouquet of flowers. I even swung a little with my hips. I kept checking though to make sure no one was watching me.

In the classroom I always sat up straight, and in my mind I was wearing a white dress. I held my knees together and crossed my ankles. When Raven saw me sitting like this, she too would sit up straight and wink at me. I have to say that it is exhausting to sit upright on a chair for so long a time.

During the breaks we secretly went to one of the corridors in the school where hardly anyone is ever there. And we walked from one side to the other, solemn yet elegant, graceful and with a smile, and perfectly synchronized. At one point the janitor caught us. "What are you doing there?" he shouted. We didn't say anything, and just ran away laughing.

After school we were picked up by my mother. We drove to the hall (so it was not a church) where the ceremony would take place, and Riley was already waiting for us. How excited all those women were. Riley had brought me a dress and shoes. I had asked for that myself, because it had to be as authentic as possible. When I had changed, we were just called together by the master of ceremony. Her name was Juliet. She was friendly but determined. She welcomed everyone and first gave a general introduction. Of course, the bridal couple was there too. I couldn't tell which one was born a man, but Riley had told me beforehand that I shouldn't be concerned about that. "If you really want to show respect, treat them both like women," she said.

The master of ceremony first explained step by step what was going to happen. She told everyone what was expected of them. Raven and I were paying close attention. We had to remember where to stand and sit, and when to do what. I think  that the most thrilling moment for me will be the entry. The first moment that everyone would see me. The boy as bridesmaid, who walks through the whole room, seen by everyone. However, the atmosphere was very cheerful. Everyone was a bit tense, but in a jolly way.

Suddenly I caught myself thinking for a second that I was sitting there wearing a dress as a boy. It was no big deal, for nobody. How nice was that. Everyone was just kind to each other. The world Raven spoke of earlier, existed here for a while.

Then came the moment that we also had to execute everything. Oops. Focus. Raven and I stood where we had to stand, at the back of the hall. Tomorrow we would also have to wait for the bridal couple there. Once there, Raven and I had to walk from back to front through the room, to next to the couple's chairs, and then turn around.

And then it was time. In my mind it was tomorrow. I imagined a full room. I looked at Raven, and she looked back. She smiled at me, and I automatically smiled back. This was the gaze we had been practicing. Internally we were tense and nervous, but our faces were shining. We looked ahead and walked down the aisle. There was soft music playing along the way. Raven and I walked forward synchronously, gracefully, elegantly, to our place. Then the bridal couple arrived. They had also practiced, you could tell. We went through the whole ceremony, including handing over the rings, because that was also our task. (But I don't have to watch over the rings, that's what Riley will do.)

"Perfect! Perfect!" the master of ceremony shouted. The rehearsal was over.

The best moment came afterwards. One of the two brides came to Raven and me, and addressed me. I thought she was a beautiful, tall woman, and she had a soft, rather low voice.

"So, you are Skylar, the boy who will play the young version of me."

So she herself came out that she was the one assigned male at birth, but I decided not to refer to that.

"Yes, I am, ma’am."

"Oh, don't call me ma’am, call me Meagan. Skylar, unfortunately I can't sufficiently express what this means for us. I am immensely, immensely grateful for this."

"You are welcome."

"And my future wife and I were very impressed with what you demonstrated today. You have all done so very well. So stylish, yet so charming, so appropriate for a wedding. I think you've been practicing."

"We started practicing last night, and haven't stopped since, but Raven had prepared it very carefully.”

"You must be Raven then", she continued, "thank you very much for everything you do."

"Oh, no thanks. We love to do this, and Skylar is a super talent."

"I agree. Skylar, I really hope you can enjoy it yourself, but I can imagine that it's not easy for you to do this. You need courage to do this, I can talk about it."

"I really enjoyed doing it today."

"That's so nice to hear."

Riley and mother were also very enthusiastic about our performance. We had clearly exceeded their expectations. But it was only a rehearsal of course. Tomorrow will be different, with a lot of people in the room.  Fortunately, I don't have to worry about all the things I have to think about: my shoes, the dresses, the makeup (yes, that was to be expected), the rings,... Riley and mother will take care of the logistics, they said. I just have to make sure that I sleep well. It was not so bad today, so tomorrow will be fine, although I keep feeling the tension.

I have also completed the list below.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 27

Skylar's Diary - Day 25

Today, after school, I went with Raven to her place. We had agreed to practice hard, but she still wouldn't tell me in advance what we would practice. After we had eaten something, we went to her room, and she took out a pile of papers.

"Look, Skylar, this is my preparation. We have a lot of work to do today."

She must have seen the surprise on my face. I didn't know what to say.

"Let me explain it to you. We don't have to do very difficult things, but we do have to do routine things in a perfect way. It seems simple: we have to walk, stand, and sit. That seems very basic, but if you want to do it right, there is a lot involved. Look, I'll give you an example. I'm going to walk from the door to you."

She went to the door, and walked towards me in a normal way, pretty fast, with a neutral gaze in her eyes, all the way up to me.

"Tell me, did I do that right?"

"Of course, what was wrong with it?"

"EVERYTHING, Skylar, EVERYTHING. We can't walk into the church like this. Now look again."

She went back to the door, and stepped again towards me, but this time very different. Very solemn, very dignified, quite classy actually.

"And what do you think of it now? What did you see?"

"I saw a princess walking up to me."

"Exactly. A princess. What I did first was a tacky farm girl. And we will have to walk like a princess. And so will you, and you'll notice, there's a lot to deal with. I looked up on the internet how a lady is supposed to walk. I wasn't aware of many things either. I think I did some of these things automatically, but I did notice that some things I could do better. OK, come to me now."

I hadn't seen Raven like that yet. She was very serious and determined. I felt that it was a matter of the utmost importance to her, and that I shouldn't make a joke about it. I stood with her, and she started:

"Skylar, first your posture. Has Riley ever said anything about that?"

"She did: Walk as if you were being pulled up with your head on a rope, and keep your shoulders back."

"Exactly. You have to be very nice and straight. And now your chin, position it so it's parallel to the floor."

While she was saying it, she pushed my chin up a bit. "That's fine."

"And now your arms. We're lucky to have a bouquet of flowers in our hands, so we don't have to think about what to do with our hands. Pretend for a moment that you have such a bouquet in your hands. No, not that high, relax your arms, you can hold the bouquet low, but keep your shoulders straight."

Wow, this is getting complicated. Do I have to remember all that?

"It's not over yet, Skylar, and we're not even walking. Your feet still. Your toes shouldn't point outwards, nor should they point inward, but straight forward."

I noticed that my toes were slightly outward, so I corrected that.

"Fine. Now, while you keep yourself straight, take one step forward."

I took a step forward.

"No, no, no!  Wrong! That step was far too big. That was a boy's step. Your step may not exceed the length of your foot. Again."

I tried again. One step.

"Yes, that's better. Now try a few steps in a row."

I took a few steps in a row.

"No, wait, that's not good, I have to tell you a few more things. First, keep in mind a line that goes right in front of you, and follow that line, you can't swing to the left or to the right. Second, your shoulders, they should barely go up and down. They have to glide through space, as it were. Third, your hips, they may, no, they must sway a little, but don't exaggerate."

"Raven, I can't remember all that."

"That's why we have to practice. It won't work the first time, but we'll get there."

I think I've walked up and down her room twenty times, until Raven thought it was good enough. Then we did it again twenty times, but now side by side.

"Skylar, now we have to try to walk exactly the same way. At the same speed, with the same step size, still nice and straight. And that while we are not allowed or able to look at each other."

That also took some practice, but it went better and better. At a certain moment I thought we were done, but the hardest part had yet to come.

"Okay, and now again, with a dress on, and heels."

"What, is that really necessary?"

"Yes, because it will be different. Come on, put on that dress from the day before yesterday. It's already hanging in the bathroom. In the meantime, I'm also putting on something else."

So determined. So prepared. Saying no was not an option. Raven finally wore a light blue dress that looks a lot like the dress for the wedding. 

And we continued to practice. "Chin!" "Shoulders!" "Back straight!" "Toes!" "Hips sway!"

One could probably read the strain and focus on my face. At least Raven was able to do that.

"I still see too much tension in your face. You have to relax. It's a wedding, not a sports event. Relax your face, and smile a little, but with your lips together. Your eyes should radiate joy."

"Raven, may I rest for a moment? It's becoming too much for me. I really appreciate what you're doing now, and I understand why, but I can't process so much in such a short time."

"OK, you get five minutes. Would you like a drink?"

It felt like she was my personal trainer. Someone who wants to physically drill me. She walked to the kitchen to get a drink, and meanwhile I took a seat. I probably shouldn't have done that.

"Oh, Skylar, you can't sit on a chair like that, especially with such a pretty dress. Look how messed up that skirt is."

I admit, I had just plummeted on the chair, and I wasn't sitting straight either.

"Look, I'll show you how to sit, and especially, how to prepare for that. Get up. First of all, make sure you're standing right in front of the chair. Then, while you sit down, you make sure with your free hand - in the other one you are holding flowers - that your skirt is in good shape at the back. There shouldn't be a single fold in it."

She illustrated how to do it.

"Your skirt should be graciously draped around you in the end, nicely symmetrical. Your back should be straight again. You certainly shouldn't start leaning. Make your spine as long as possible, but loosen up your neck, and balance your head nicely above your shoulders. Your hands then. Hold your bouquet elegantly on your lap. Your legs. These should be nice together, with your knees against each other. Do you hear it, Skylar? Knees together. Boys aren't used to that, but with a dress on you can't do anything else. As far as the feet are concerned, we have the choice: either side by side and against each other, or we cross our ankles. I suggest choosing the latter, which is more elegant. We have to get this right, because we have to do it the same way. Come on, you try it."

I had to practice this at least twenty times with Raven, but she did participate.

"Take care of the expression on your face. You have to radiate sweetness. You have to show that you like this, Skylar."

"I'm starting to get very tired. May I let myself go for a moment?"

"Just for a moment, then."

"All right, I'd like to gracefully lie on your bed for a moment now."

I stood up, and walked very solemnly to her bed, and lay down like Sleeping Beauty was in the fairy tale. On my back, with my eyes closed. A minute later I felt that Raven had come to lie next to me, I suspected that she was lying in the same position.

There we were, the two of us lying next to each other. Like two princesses. Like two Sleeping Beauty's.

We kept quiet for a while, until I said:

"I never, ever thought, that it would be so difficult to be a bridesmaid."

"And I never thought that training a male bridesmaid could be so tiring."

"But I do think you're a great trainer. The best bridesmaid trainer in the country."

She slapped me with the papers she still had in her hand, in my face, but it wasn't that hard. I started laughing, and so did she. Probably it was also because of the nerves, but we got the giggles. What the hell were we doing? How silly was this?

"OK, Skylar, let's get serious now. The wedding is in two days. So we can't but practice all day tomorrow."

"But tomorrow we still have to go to school."

"I know, we'll have to practice secretly at school."

"Oh no."

"Oh yes."

"I'm going to be happy when this is over."

"Skylar?"

"Yes?"

"Are we going to see each other less when this is over?"

"Oh no, we'll find another brides pair who need a male bridesmaid. Plenty of opportunities."

And she gave me another slap with her papers.

"Come on, we're going to practice everything one more time."

We did all the exercises for at least another half hour. It was especially difficult to do everything simultaneously, but the longer we were doing it, the better we became at it.

As I walked home, I tried to do everything exactly as Raven had taught me: nice straight, elegant, small steps, gracious smile, stable shoulders, and slightly swaying hips. It must have been a strange sight, but fortunately it was almost dark already.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 26