My Journey - Reflect

Wow, what an incredible trip. I never expected to go that far. And that I would see so many beautiful things along the way. I learned so much.

I learned how natural it is for a boy to have a girl inside. I learned how important it is to let that girl out. How healthy and relieving that is.

There were other people on that trip, but most of them did not say anything. That's fine. Some of them said a few words, nice words. And then there was Laurianna, a new friend, who was a true companion on my trip. She taught me a lot. She made the trip enjoyable.

The trip was exhausting though, so now it's time to take a rest.

Skylar's Diary - Day 78

Dear Diary, maybe I should start by apologizing. I've been neglecting you for some time... I can comfort myself with the thought that you don't suffer from any negative feelings. And I can also tell you that lately, I haven't been bothered by any negative feelings either. The last few weeks I have been living in a new world, you know, the world Raven envisioned at the time. The world in which I am accepted as I am, and in which I can express myself as I wish.

And that world is a blissful world. I am all the more happy because I realize that not everyone who is like me can live in such a world. I am very grateful for all those sweet people who have supported me: my mother, Riley, Raven, Mrs. Liang, Meagan, and also Carole, Devon, Summer... my classmates who really do their best to make me feel at ease.

If you ask me "How are you?", I'll say "Good, very good actually." And what I think is best of all, is that I don't stand out anymore. What I do, how I do it, what I wear, it's all normal. As if nobody cares. I am my natural self, and that feels so incredibly good. I am very convinced that for many boys, femininity is a natural state. That in all boys there is a girl, and that she can be substantial, like in me, but that she can also be smaller. And that it is very important to let that girl speak. That she can show herself. This should be encouraged.

Look at the girls. There is a boy in every girl, and for decades they have let that boy live. Girls become women, and many of them become leaders, good leaders. Leaders of movements, of organizations, of companies. Their masculinity is questioned by few (except for a few monkeys). The time has come to embrace femininity in every boy.

I realize that I am preaching, Dear Diary, but rest assured. I don't stand on the corner of the street every day, spreading my message. Maybe I should bother you with the details in my life over the last few weeks. I will start with Raven.

Yes, Raven and I are still together, and our love has only grown stronger. There was one more obstacle we had to overcome, and that was the acceptance by her parents. How would they react if they knew that their daughter was with a boy living such a feminine life? However, this was her obstacle, not mine, and she handled it very sensitively. First of all, she didn't put me forward as an object of controversy, but herself. One quiet evening she told her parents that she doesn't like boys, but girls. That she had been convinced of that for some time. That it made her feel insecure. That she thought it would be better to tell them. That she hoped they would still love her.

Of course her parents were startled by this news, and they were confused, but as Riley said earlier, they are sweet people. Their love is also unconditional, and they only wanted Raven to be happy. Of course I did come up for discussion. "What about Skylar? "Skylar is, except for a few details, a girl," Raven explained. And she told my story very honestly and openly. It remained confusing for them, but they saw the lights in their daughter's eyes when she told them about me. The details I'm talking about above even turned out to be a kind of consolation.

 Two weeks ago her parents also met the girl Skylar, and I have to be honest that it was a bit uncomfortable for everyone in the beginning. But in the meantime we are all used to it a bit more. I thought this was an important step. My ideal world was that way complete.

And I certainly have something to say about myself. You may remember, Dear Diary, the questions I struggled with. Am I comfortable with my body, or do I also want the body of a girl? I first talked about it with Meagan again, and then also with mother, with Riley, and of course with Raven. For a moment we considered consulting an expert, but in the end we didn't, because I had decided not to change my body completely. It had many advantages to do it, but the disadvantages were significant as well. And Meagan's words continued to resonate: "There are many ways to express your femininity."

I'll never get a muscular body, that's not in my genes, and I'm not going to do my best to get strong muscles. I hardly have any hair growth on my body, and there are good techniques to control it. If I take good care of my skin, it stays nice and smooth. I have beautiful hair by nature, and I intend to make it very long, but maybe not as long as Raven. I won't touch hormones for the time being. That's mainly because of Raven. The last few weeks we have been experimenting further... if you know what I mean, Dear Diary. We explored each other's bodies further, and we came up with some surprising discoveries. And there's still a lot to discover. Raven calls me a dream girl with extra features. It makes me happy when she says that.

Oh yes, and do you know who else are together? It won't surprise you of course: Summer and Devon. It's so nice to see the two together. They love each other too, and just like Raven and I, it's Summer who's in charge a bit, but in a gentle, sweet way. And Summer tries to be a bit Devon's Raven, in the sense that she challenges him to discover his feminine side. Devon isn't like me, he'll still be a boy, but with Summer's support he dares to experiment with girly clothes, jewelry and makeup. The four of us often go out together, see a movie, have a nice meal, go for a walk... This is friendship for life.

I recently updated my list of girls' properties. Without any hesitation I can tick everything now. What was left since the last time?

Number 3. "I like to make things beautiful."
You should see my room, Dear Diary. The visit to Meagan and Carole's house has opened my eyes. That's what I wanted, a beautiful and stylish room. Mother has supported me tremendously, and Raven has helped me a lot. It started small. Raven and I were sitting in my room (being very good), and we felt there was a need for change: new bedding, at least, other things on the wall, and actually other curtains as well. And why not change the wallpaper and the furniture? In short, what was needed was a total makeover. Mother agreed with the idea, but we had to come up with a plan first. Raven and I went to visit shops, browsed in magazines, looked up a lot of things online, and made a plan. Mother almost completely agreed: she thought the massage chair was a bit exaggerated, and we also had to do the work ourselves.

The plan was to first sweep everything out of my room and remove the wallpaper. Raven and I were wearing our dirtiest clothes, and each armed with a big sponge and a bucket of water with solvent, we started working on it. With Raven around, you can imagine it won't stay neat for long, so we both ended up soaking wet, but we had the biggest fun.

We painted the ceiling, and together with mother (who can work very precisely) we applied the new wallpaper. Two walls were light blue in a solid color, and for the other two walls we had chosen floral wallpaper. No, no wallpaper for little girls, but for older teenage girls. The same for the bedding: no pink sheets with ponies or unicorns, but stylish sheets that subtly radiate femininity.

We put the furniture together ourselves: the bed, the closet (with only a few boys' clothes), the desk (I'm studying there), a bedside table (to put glossy magazines on), and a mirror dressing table. Yes, as I indicated earlier, I wanted my own place for my make-up stuff. Mother always prepares herself in the bathroom, but there it's too small for the two of us. And I like to experiment with make-up in my own sanctuary, and to further develop my skills. My room is really cozy now. Raven is even a bit jealous.

Number 6. "I'm diligent at school."
You should see my grades, Dear Diary. At record heights. I can't explain it very well myself, but my femininity forces me to do my best in school. It's also like I can concentrate better in a skirt or a dress. Since my coming-out I have had several conversations with Mrs. Liang, and she herself was surprised that I was doing so well at school. Not only was the new me accepted by everyone, but my school results improved. This of course confirmed her initial stance, as she had taken it up for me with some risk anyway.

Number 9. "I chat a lot."
Definitely. Let's say I exchanged my game time for chat time. I have a lot of new online girlfriends now, and we're having a lot of fun. Forwarding crazy movies, making crazy faces, acting stupid (while of course we know we're smart). My humor has changed too.  My boy jokes were rather rude, and at the expense of others. Now I laugh at embarrassing situations, or miserable situations, but only if the victim can also laugh with them.

Number 20. "I like to cook."
I have added another girls' property (which results in a list of 20 items, a round number). Since the visit to Meagan and Carole I started a new hobby. Cooking. Until now mother always did this at home, but now we do it together, and she loves that too.  I want to learn a lot. I want to be able to make delicious and healthy things. Sometimes I try it alone. It doesn't always work out, and then I'm always a little angry with myself. Mother then explains to me afterwards what I did wrong, and what I have to watch out for. Last weekend I cooked for Raven, a kind of candlelight dinner. I had really done my best. Appetizers in advance: bruschetta's with tomato, and smoked salmon with herb cheese. Soup of fresh tomatoes with basil. Risotto with pumpkin and Mascarpone. Tiramisu. All in small portions. Raven was moved.

I love Raven.

I am Skylar.

I am a girl.

--- ooo ---

Skylar's Diary - Day 43

Shall I keep you in suspense, Dear Diary, or not? Shall I tell you now whether it worked out well or not? And shall I tell you already how I am feeling now, or not? Did I follow Meagan's advice, or not?

I'll start by saying that I was very nervous this morning. I could hardly eat a bite, and mother saw that I was tense.

"I'm sure it's all going to be fine today." I still wonder if she was really sure of that. Did she know what was going to happen?

However, there was no question of backtracking. That had become impossible, because everyone knew about it. It would have been a cowardly act.

I went to my room and put on my coming-out outfit, which I had bought the day before yesterday with Raven and Summer. Today I show it to you too, Dear Diary. You might remember the shoes, I wore them during my first girl time with Raven.

I also decided to wear a little makeup. I call it sub-threshold makeup. That means it's too little for boys to notice, but just enough for girls to see it. Girls do have better observation skills, you know. I had painted my nails in a brown-red color.

We had agreed that Raven would come to pick me up, even if she had to make a big detour. But today she wanted to do that for me. Then I would be more at ease. The nice thing was that she had also put on a pleated skirt and tights. Just to support me.

The first event was actually funny. Raven and I had only just left, and we met Mrs. Fuentes.

"Good morning, girls. On your way to school?" she asked.

"We are, but Skylar is a boy," Raven said.

"Haha, you naughty girl, you don't fool me. Skylar has always been a girl!"

Would Mrs. Fuentes be so confused now?

We quietly continued towards school, and Raven was her enthusiastic self again. I really appreciate that about her, because that made me more relaxed.

Suddenly I got a message. It came from Meagan.

"Enjoy!"

"Whose is it?" Raven asked.

"From Meagan" I said.

And something came in again, this time from Riley.

"I think of you. I'm proud of you."

I let Raven read it.

"How sweet of her," said Raven.

"Yes, I think so too."

Then a message from Summer came in: "You rock, girl!!!"

I stopped. The messages kept coming in, especially from classmates.

"You're brave!" It was Devon's.

"I'm with you!" "Go go girl!" "Good luck!" "You're the best" "You're amazing" and so on.

Messages from people I knew, but also from unknown numbers.

Raven stood next to me. She laughed. I could tell from her face that she knew about this.

"Are you behind this?"

"Not just me. Summer and Devon too, we did some brainstorming."

"I'm not sure what to say. I think this is incredibly sweet of you. And of all those people."

"Come on, let's move on," said Raven.

My nervousness wasn't completely gone yet, but my fear certainly was. As we walked a few more messages came in, all encouragements.

The best was yet to come.

We arrived at school, and a lot of girls and boys from my class were waiting for us. Apparently the girls had agreed to all wear something similar: a pleated skirt with tights.

"Good morning, Skylar" "Hi Skylar, how are you doing today?" "You look great, Skylar" It all sounded mixed up. I still didn't know what to say, but I do remember walking around with a broad smile.

There were even a few guys with a 'special' outfit. Perhaps the most striking one was Devon, who had put on a pleated skirt above his trousers. We gave each other a hug. Summer was standing next to him. "He's not ready for tights yet," she said. "Whatever, Summer, I appreciate his gesture."

Liam had painted his nails. Noah was wearing a very girly bracelet. Ethan had a line under his eyes (drawn by Summer). Aiden was wearing a pink pullover with a unicorn from his sister. Asher was wearing a flower in his hair.

I loved it. This was also an idea of Raven, Summer and Devon. Can one have better friends than them?

So, Dear Diary, I don't have to keep you in suspense any longer. It all went well. What am I saying, it was a fantastic day. And I'm still blissful. It was impossible for me not to follow Meagan's advice.

It must have been a strange parade on our way to class. For a moment I thought of the other boys in the class, but I quickly pushed those thoughts aside. Focus on the positive, ignore the negative. I shouldn't make this a victory over them either. It was and is a victory over myself. Some of the boys might have given a strange look, maybe disapproving, but I knew I wasn't alone.

The teachers were aware of my coming-out, and they could appreciate the response of my classmates. They didn't pay much attention to it though, and that was fine by me. I want my new way of life to be something normal as soon as possible.

And as the day evolved, the situation became more normal. There was talk about other things. During the breaks the four of us mainly hung out together: Raven, Summer, Devon and me. Even after school we went for a drink together, to celebrate my special day. I brought Raven to her house, and hopped home. Of course I told my mother everything in all detail. She was happy, and so was and am I.

Do you know what I think now, Dear Diary? I think it's a pity that the day is over. Also this day can be included in the list of best days of my life. A message just came in:

"good night dreamgirl"

"good night silly love of my life"

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 78

Skylar's Diary - Day 42

Yesterday I was cheerful and relaxed, but this morning I was a bit nervous. I was looking forward to the brunch, but I realized that it could be an intense experience, with all those women who mean so much to me.

I was also a bit indecisive about what I would wear. Would I really put on that lingerie set Riley gave me? At the time I just wanted to give it a try, and I liked it, but I found it very sensual as well. It was something for home, not to go outside with.

And I would wear false breasts. Would I really go that far? Do I want that? What does that mean? Does that mean I don't have the body I want? Do I want the body of a girl? I don't know the answer to these questions, and it's just one of the things I wanted to discuss with Meagan. I don't think anyone I know is more qualified than her to talk about this.

Raven also asked me to wear those things. I could say that I'm wearing this for her, but shouldn’t I do it for myself too? I decided to try it first, in my room, and then I could still change my mind.

I went to my room, and there I already laid everything out nicely on my bed. I took a shower, because now too I wanted to be very clean first. I put on the panties and the bra, very carefully, stepped into my dress, and closed the zipper on the side. It fitted perfectly on my body including breasts, even better than yesterday. I put on the shoes Raven gave me yesterday, and I carefully tied the big red bow.

Before I looked in the mirror, I already felt very delicate. It all felt so perfect. All the materials on my body were as light and soft as silk. I moved around very carefully, and closed my eyes to feel more intensely. I stroked the dress with my hands. So soft. I patted my falsies, and was very conscious of the shape they created. I had never felt so special.

I stood in front of the mirror. Oh no, my shoulder straps were visible. I tried to push them under the dress, but they kept bouncing back. I realized that everyone would see those shoulder straps, so they would know that I was wearing a bra. Maybe that didn't matter either, because my breasts stood out anyway. They were even more accentuated by the bow that made my waist narrower. My figure was now very girlish. I started to doubt again. The same questions came back. Do I want to go that far? Do I want the body of a girl? What would everyone think?

An answer to that last question came quite quickly, because suddenly my mother entered my room. I was startled, and felt caught. I blushed a bit, but couldn't say anything immediately.

"Oh, Skylar, you look so beautiful." Her answer was very disarming. She inspected me from head to toe.

"Are you sure about that? I mean, would I do this, with those fake breasts?"

"Ah, why not? That's funny, isn't it?"

For her it was a joke, for me it was a big deal. But rather so than the other way around.

"It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable anyway."

"I can imagine that, but look, you like to dress like a girl, and that's just part of it, isn't it? It's a kind of finishing touch."

Mother's words reassured me. Maybe I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. And then I had a practical question:

"Mother, the shoulder straps are visible. Isn't there a way to hide them under my dress?"

"Why would you? All girls wear a bra, so why not show it? And even without those visible straps, we'll all know that you're wearing a bra. Wait a minute, I think there's something missing. I’ll be right back."

Mother went to her room, and came back with a small golden necklace. She put it around my neck.

"Now you're all set. Look, now you're going all the way, then you can say you've been there at least once."

The bell rang. It was Riley and Raven, who was picked up by Riley at her home.

Raven was over the moon. "Oh my god, you look so pretty, and cute!!!"

She came closer to me, but didn't touch me. She first inspected me from head to toe, from shoulder strap to false breasts. "I think I can guess what else you are wearing..." she whispered in my ear. "Stop it," I whispered back "it's already awkward as it is."

"Isn't he a doll?" she asked Riley.

"Raven, Skylar is not your doll." She said it with a smile, but also put Raven in her place.

"But you are allowed to give me a little kiss," I said, and I offered my cheek. 

She gave me a very soft little kiss, her lips barely touched my cheek. You know, lipstick, blush...

We all got in the car, and I did that very carefully. There shouldn't be any wrinkles in my dress, so I smoothed my skirt with my hands before I sat on it. Raven and I were sitting in the backseat, and she had the greatest time. She pressed her finger into one of my falsies, and said "cheater ". "Hey, I’m doing this for you, you know," I whispered. "Dream dream dream dream girl," she said.

We arrived at the house of Meagan and her wife Carole. It was a small but very nice house, with a small, but very well-tended garden. Meagan opened the door, and welcomed us. It immediately struck me that it was very cozy inside. There were many plants and flowers in the house. There was special wallpaper on the wall. There were nice cushions in the seats. There were candles, beautiful carpets... There was a fairly large round table, very stylishly set for six.

We were invited to go straight to the table, because nobody had eaten anything yet. They had really done their best, with healthy and tasty things. Freshly sliced fruit, granola, still warm whole-wheat bread rolls, real butter (a little bit of sin is allowed), smoked salmon, homemade jam, soft boiled eggs, croissants (a little more sin is allowed as well). It was all so beautiful and so delicate that I ate very carefully. I cautiously took the things I wanted, put them neatly on my plate, took my cutlery elegantly (no elbows on the table of course), and ate in small bites. What a difference with the Skylar of the past. No, I didn't want to be out of tune with all those stylish, elegant women.

We'd rather talk about everyday things. I was a little scared beforehand that it would all be about me, since that wouldn't have made me feel comfortable. This was perfect, as if all of it was the most natural thing in the world. I, the teenage boy, was sitting there wearing the most beautiful dress in the room, if I may say so myself.

At a certain moment I took the floor. Not that I had planned it in advance, it rather happened spontaneously.

"Meagan and Carol, I want to thank you very much for your invitation. I am very impressed. It's very nice here, and the food is delicious. It is very important for me to be able to meet you again, because you are a bit of an example to me. You know that I’m not complying with certain standards, but neither do you, and I mean in a positive way. In truth, you show me how a very valuable life can be led in this way."

They kindly accepted my words. I saw Riley looking at me.

"Riley, I don't think I've said it explicitly yet, but I'm also very grateful to you. I must say, the first time I met you, I thought you were a very weird girl, with weird ideas, but along the way I understood where you wanted to go. It was a very odd road that we followed, a road that I would never choose myself, a road full of obstacles as well, but you showed me the way. We're not yet at the end of that road, but now I do realize the beautiful things I've come across on that road, and that I'll carry with me forever. I'm going to say something unexpected, but sometimes I think you're a very old woman, in the body of a young woman. Again, I mean that as a compliment, because there's so much wisdom and calmness in you. Thank you, Riley."

"Thank you for those nice words, Skylar." (That joke about the old woman could be appreciated.)

And then all of a sudden I thought I should thank everyone.

"Mother, maybe first I should say I'm sorry that I haven't always been a nice child to you. There may have been the excuse that we had a setback, with the loss of father, but you have always been kind to me."

Then I stalled for a moment, there were tears in my eyes. And so there were in mother’s eyes, because when I cry, she has to cry too. And then I should not look at her, so I looked at Raven, but she also had a few tears. And even Riley...

"OK girls, I'll stop for a minute, or we'll ruin our mascara." While we laughed, we gently dabbed our tears with the beautiful napkins.

"Mother, let me get on with it. I also want to thank you, because you found Riley, and even more, you let me explore without judging once. I realize that I do things that many mothers would have a problem with, but you saw me become happier, so you let me go on with it. It is wonderful to know that your love is unconditional. Thank you."

"It's okay, Skylar, I love you." "I love you too, mother."

Well, now I had thanked everyone except Raven. I looked at her, and she looked at me, and nobody said anything. I knew everyone was waiting for what I would say. But I also kept quiet. On purpose. And then I said:

"And you, Raven, you're just a goofball.”

Everyone had to laugh, Raven too, but I also wanted to say something nice.

"...but you're a goofball I love. Without you, I wouldn't have dared to do what I do. You are my first love, and the only fear I have is that it will never be surpassed. So you will have to stay with me."

"Don't worry," she said, and she kissed me softly on my cheek again.

There was an embarrassing silence for a moment, and that's why Carole asked:

"Shall we all go into the garden for a moment? The weather is nice."

And so we all went outside, and looked at the beautiful bushes and flowers in their garden. There was even a small vegetable garden, where Carol grew her own fruit, vegetables and herbs: cherry tomatoes, peppers, beets, zucchini, pumpkins, raspberries, strawberries, parsley, thyme, rosemary, basil... And if something had to be harvested, Carol would bring it all to the kitchen, and then Meagan would turn it into something delicious.

At one point Meagan and I stood together.

"Skylar, you wanted to ask me a few more things..."

"That's right, and thank you in advance for helping me."

"I'm happy to do it."

"I'm still struggling with a few things. I think you know my history. How it all started, with Riley. Your wedding. Riley's party where we've talked before. It all went very fast. If you had shown me a picture of me now a month and a half ago, I would have called you crazy. But in the meantime I've changed a lot. I have discovered the girl inside me, and I want to let her out. And everyone may see it. Tomorrow I'm even going to school in a skirt, and I'm looking forward to it."

"That's all very good, isn't it?"

"That's true, but I've begun to doubt who I am. Look, today I'm even wearing false breasts. At first I thought it was very strange, but after a while I also started to like it. And then I ask myself the question: Do I want breasts? Do I want another body?"

"I can imagine, Skylar, that you have these questions. I used to ask myself those too, but for me the answer was straightforward and came quick. Yes, I wanted a different body. When in doubt, it means that you have to think even longer. Remember that it's not easy to change your body. It takes a long time to prepare, you have to talk to experts, and it's a long process. Some things can't be reversed either."

Meagan gave me a very long explanation about how things had gone with her, and I was a bit disappointed with that. At a certain point she also said:

"You're still young, Skylar, and you don't look too masculine yet, but you'll change, you'll become more muscular, you'll have hair growth on your face... And then it'll be harder for you to pass as a girl."

I was very sorry to hear her say that.

"There are ways to do something about this without making a complete transition, but it's not the same thing.”

So, unfortunately, there was no simple answer to my question.

"Anyway, Skylar, right now my advice would be: Inform yourself well, and take time to think. You don't need to know the answer today. Dare to talk about it, especially with your mother, but also with Riley and Raven. And remember this: there are many ways to express your femininity."

Even though I didn't have an answer to my question yet, the conversation still helped me. I don't have to hurry, it's not urgent. And especially her last sentence I memorized well.

"Thank you, Meagan, it helps to talk to you already. I had another question. Am I a 'he' or a 'she'? Because the people who know me know that I'm a boy, but strangers who see me dressed like this, think I'm a girl."

"What would you prefer?"

“Well, I guess it makes sense that I’m a ‘she’ when dressed like this, and I really don’t mind then. But I’m not a girl like you or Raven.”

“I see what you mean, but your body should not define what you are. If you feel like a girl, it’s perhaps better that you are addressed as one. For me, you are a ‘she’, unless you don’t like that.”

“I actually do like it, certainly if you say it.”

“Then perhaps you should talk about this to everyone you care for. Your mother, Raven…”

"Raven sometimes calls me dream girl, and I think it's funny."

“I can imagine that she says that.”

So, I’ll  have to talk to mother and Raven, but also to friends like Devon. The thought of no longer being a he/him remained strange though... Again I realized that I needed time for this.

"Maybe one last question. Do you have any suggestions for tomorrow, when I go to school in girls' clothes?"

"A very simple recommendation: Enjoy it. The first few minutes are going to be weird, but it's going to be one of the best days of your life. That's how I experienced it. I remember exactly where I was, and what dress I was wearing, the pin in my hair, my makeup, the color of my nail polish... I had also announced it, and the people who were important to me were very supportive, and that's also the case with you."

I was very happy that she said that. It was perhaps the best advice she could give. I gave her a cautious hug.

We went back home in the afternoon. Riley went on, but Raven stayed. We both still had work for school, and we did it together. I had taken off my dress first, because I thought it was not suitable for homework. I put on the blue dress that Raven once gave me, without false breasts. These are only for special occasions. Not for homework, and not for tomorrow at school.

I started to get a bit nervous again for tomorrow. How would everyone react? Are they going to accept me? Are they going to pretend that nothing is wrong? Are they going to treat me? Raven noticed my nervousness. "Ah, you'll see, it's gonna be all right." We'll see. Hopefully I can enjoy it, as Meagan said.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 43

Skylar's Diary - Day 41

It was a nice day today, Dear Diary. What am I saying, it was a super marvelous wonderful day. The weekend had started, and I was going to spend the whole day with Raven, shopping. Splendid, shopping, with Raven. And not only with her!

I was in an incredibly good mood this morning. Yesterday was such a liberating day. I think yesterday my ideal world was finally born, and today I was more aware of it.  And I was enjoying it. I sang as I walked through the house.

"Look who's so cheerful today," Mother said.

I kept singing, and gave her a big hug.

Before I left, I put on makeup, all by myself, but I let my mother check me out. She only made some small corrections to my eyes. Eyes are difficult.

I left the house, wearing shorts, a short top, and a shirt. Similar to what I wore when Riley taught me how to shop. I also wore the black flats I bought with Riley in the first week. So this was me, out on the street, alone, in a girl's outfit. Another victory. It was still a bit exciting, but I also felt free. I walked up to Raven's house, and at times I even hopped. That's something I should do with Raven, I thought.

She opened the door, and I cuddled her firmly. A bit too firm, she thought, but she could laugh with it. We left for the city center, and I grabbed her hand. "Come on, let's hop," I said. You don't have to ask Raven twice. I behaved like a girl, I felt like a girl, and that's what people probably also saw: two hopping girls.

"And what do you need?" Raven asked.

"A lot of everything: skirts, tops, socks, tights, underwear, something for brunch tomorrow, and something for Monday at school.”

"Wow, and all that in one day? And does your mother approve?"

"She's happy for me."

"I wish my mother would let me do so much shopping too."

"I can imagine, but I have a lot of catching up to do."

"That is true. And actually, it's also for me that we will shop.”

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you can borrow things from me too, can't you?"

"Ah, I know what you mean, but I want to wear everything myself first."

"You are as girly as can be." And she gave me a kiss, on the cheek.

"What's your first plan?" she asked.

"A simple skirt, with a simple top. Something I can keep on today."

All embarrassment was gone. We entered the first shop, a large shop with lots of choice. I tried some skirts, and I stood in front of the mirror, even though other people, mostly girls and women, were walking around. By behaving like a girl, I don't think anyone would think I was a boy either. The choice was made pretty quickly: a green miniskirt and a white T-shirt with short wide sleeves. Rather casual. So I wasn't picky, because I would buy several things anyway today. 

And that's how I walked the streets. In my own city. Full of confidence, upright, and cheerful.

Of course there was a risk that I would meet someone I know, but to be honest, that was something I was hoping for. Everyone knows about it now anyway. And after some shops where we had bought some smaller stuff (hairpins, socks and jolly underwear), it happened. Raven saw someone from our class.

"Hey, there's Summer!"

Just a few days ago I would have tried to hide, and even now my heart was beating a bit faster, but I had enough courage. Of course Summer immediately saw that I was wearing a skirt. She laughed, but in a friendly way.

"So, Skylar, are you already practicing for Monday?"

"I've been practicing for a some time, you know!"

"Nice skirt by the way, did you just buy it?"

"Yes"

"I understand you so well, Skylar. For me, it's really not a big deal. Why shouldn't boys be allowed to wear all the nice things we wear? I think you're a much more interesting person right now."

"Oh thanks"

It was nice of her to say that, but not that surprising. If anyone in my class would be open to this, it would be Summer. She has always been more unconventional. Some people think she's weird, but I like her. Especially after what she just said. She was also wearing a miniskirt, but what struck me most was her very long white coat, and a funny hat.

"We are shopping for Skylar today. His wardrobe still needs to be expanded," said Raven.

"How cool is that! Can I help?"

“Of course!” said Raven, while I was thinking it.

And suddenly I had two girlfriends who would help me shop. What a luxury.

A longer skirt, that's the next thing I wanted. One that is more voluminous, and that sways and makes me twirl. We found a nice skirt, actually it consists of two skirts in light fabric on top of each other. A green pleated skirt, with a wider skirt in a lighter color on top, and a bow with long ribbons in the same color. I put the miniskirt in the shopping bag, and kept the new skirt on. (Sorry to bother you so much with all my purchases, Dear Diary, but I'm just so excited!!!!)

"Will you be wearing that skirt to school on Monday?"  Summer asked.

"Hmm, I don't know yet. I had something else in mind."

"What then?"

"Something more basic. I don't want to stand out too much. I do have a skirt in mind, but without bare legs. Maybe a pleated skirt with tights. That looks a bit like a school uniform. And I still have to make up my mind on what I’ll wear on top of it."

"We'll help you."

It took a few shops before we figured it out, but we were pleased. Eventually we combined a tartan pleated skirt with black tights, a simple white shirt with long sleeves, and a dark brown knitted sleeveless tank top. You can see it on Monday, Dear Diary.

"Who has seen you already in girl's outfit?" Summer asked.

Luckily I had kept track of all that, so I could list them all.

"But who from school?"

"Besides Raven? Brandon, unfortunately. And you today."

"And Devon, your best friend, not yet?"

"No"

"Maybe you should show yourself to him like that," said Summer, "so he can get used to it. He's a good friend of yours, Skylar, because he's really stood up for you in class. I really appreciated that. But I think you need to prepare him a little bit."

"Summer is right, Skylar," said Raven, "perhaps you can call him."

I pondered for a moment. I thought it was a good idea. Everyone can see me like this now, but maybe the most important people first. I also thought of something else. Devon has a crush on Summer for some time now. That could persuade him to come.

"You know what? Let's have lunch with the four of us later," I suggested.

They liked that idea. I called Devon and explained everything to him. I asked if he would like to see me during girl time. He hesitated a bit, but when I said that Summer would be there as well, his doubts disappeared. So that was settled.

"And what are you going to wear if Devon is with us?"

I had to think about that. Not my school outfit yet. That’s for Monday. One of my new skirts? Is a possibility, but the tops are still quite common.

"I know a nice little shop," said Summer. We went there, and as I expected from Summer, the clothes were less mainstream, but I thought that was fine. I bought another skirt (now I had three, that was enough for today), another T-shirt (also enough), but most of all the long knitted cardigan was special, which fell out longer than the skirt. A bit like Summer’s outfit. And it had a fluffy collar, lovely and girly.

This was a nice outfit to face Devon. And I also envision myself going to school wearing it.

Summer, Raven and I were already at the place we had planned to meet when Devon arrived. It was funny to see that Devon seemed more nervous than I was. You could tell from his face that he didn't know what to think about it, but I didn't blame him for that.

"Erm... what should I say now? That you're wearing a nice outfit? Or that you look good?"

"Relax, Devon, you don't have to try too hard. Let's just have a good time together."

"You seem happier than usual today," he said, and that was right. The boy in me would hold back, and be more concerned with coming across as cool. The girl in me is more cheerful, and today I let her out (and tomorrow, and the day after, and...). Although I have to admit that it was a bit more challenging in the presence of Devon. With Summer and Raven I was not concerned too much about what I was doing and saying, and how, but with Devon I became more aware of the shift I'm going through. After a while he had noticed it too.

"I have to say, Skylar, and don't get me wrong, but you're not only dressed differently, you also behave differently.

"What do you mean?"

"What you say, and how you say it, your attitude, your gestures, your body language,... how would I put it? I see a girl's version of Skylar."

"And isn't he cute?" Raven intervened.

"Well, it's not up to me to find him cute. It's just... I have to get used to it."

Then Summer said, "But you proved at school, Devon, that you're a real friend of Skylar. He's really happy now, and I actually like him better than before, and without your support that might not have been possible."

I know Devon well enough to know that those words meant a lot to him, especially when Summer says them.

"Thank you, Summer, but I guess I couldn't do anything else as a friend."

"Have you ever considered doing anything girly?" That question from Summer got him a little confused.

"Erm... what do you mean? That I would be wearing a skirt too?"

"Yes, why not? There's nothing wrong with that."

Devon was checkmated. He couldn't be offended, because then he wouldn't make a good impression on Summer. But he couldn't pretend that that wouldn't be a big deal for him either, because then he would be lying. He tried to come up with an excuse.

"Maybe, but I don't have a Raven, like Skylar."

"Oh, but I do want to be your Raven," said Summer. Raven and I were bursting into laughter. That was very candid of Summer. Devon was still confused, and laughed shyly.

"Sorry, Devon, I shouldn't have teased you like that," said Summer.

"It's okay," replied Devon.

A little later, after lunch, Raven asked Summer: "Is it okay that Skylar and I continue shopping now?" And she winked at her. I could see that, but Devon couldn't.

"Oh, no, you go ahead. Devon, do you want to stay a while?"

He couldn't say no to that, and so we left them behind, in the quiet hope that something beautiful would start to grow.

"Do you already know what you will wear tomorrow?" Raven asked.

"Anyway something I bought today, because I want to be dressed in new clothes."

"That's my girl..."

"That green double skirt maybe?"

"That's a possibility, but then I'd put on a more sophisticated top. Shall we look around a bit more?"

"That's fine."

An hour later we walked past a thrift shop, and Raven saw a nice dress in the shop window.

"Oh my God, look at that beautiful dress, Skylar! Really something for you!"

I liked it too, but I said I didn't have a dress on my shopping list.

"Ah, your list... You can't miss that chance, Skylar, because they're only going to have one such dress. At least try it on."

Raven's enthusiasm was hard to ignore, so I went to try it on.

"That's it," said Raven.

It did indeed fit me, and it was still a beautiful dress. It was a short white sleeveless dress (with a few ruffles on the shoulders) with a floral print and a big red bow. And it wasn't even expensive.

"I don't have any shoes for that," I tried to hold off for a while.

"Oh, but I have red shoes that will fit perfectly, you can borrow them. And then later I can borrow that dress from you, because if it fits you, it will fit me as well."

Her plan was clearly all made up.

And suddenly she whispered in my ear. "And do you know what to wear underneath?  That lingerie set Riley gave you. I'm really curious how you would look with breasts."

I thought I wouldn't be shy anymore, but now I was blushing anyway.

"You're a naughty girl."

"No, you are a naughty girl."

Oh yes, and that nightdress, Dear Diary. We didn't make it to buy a new one, but my mother gave me an old one of hers. It’s a bit old-fashioned, but I like it. It’s so soft and light, and the perfect nightdress to prepare for tomorrow.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 42