Skylar's Diary - Day 34

- Before the party -

Today was Riley's birthday party. I really wanted to go, and I didn't. I wanted to go, because at Riley's party I would be back in the world where I can be who I want to be. I didn't want to go, because I'm still very insecure. I still feel uncomfortable when I meet other people with my girls' clothes on. I went. I have absolutely no regrets.

In the morning, Raven sent me a message.

"and what shall i wear?"

"whatever, you look dazzling anyway"

"wrong answer"

I should have known. Of course it does matter.

"what about the blue dress you wore when we were practicing at your house for the wedding? I’d love to see you in that dress again"

"isn't that too glamorous?"

"we're going to a party, aren't we?"

"your outfit is more sober…"

"PERFECT! let all eyes be on you, so I can hide in your shadow"

"i know what you mean"

In the early afternoon, Raven arrived here. We had agreed that we would help each other with makeup. Now, Raven has a bit of experience of course, but I don’t know how to do it yet. Anyway, Raven insisted that I would try on her. I really sucked, but we had the greatest fun. We had to start over several times, and that means a lot of work. Now I finally understand why girls sometimes take so long to get ready. In the end she did a lot of it herself. 

When she wanted to start with me, she asked: "Do you want to do something more daring today?"

"What do you mean?"

"At the wedding we went for a nude look, but now it might be a little... more trendy?"

"What do you suggest?"

"I would like to emphasize your eyes more. More eye shadow, more eyeliner, more mascara. It will be more visible, but I think it will be lovely."

"Try it."

Raven worked on each eye for a few minutes, and then I was allowed to look in the mirror.

"What do you think?"

Beautiful. So beautiful. That's the first thing I thought. Raven had done this really well. I really liked the way my eyes were made up. You could clearly see that I was wearing makeup, but Raven hadn't exaggerated. With the eyeliner she had drawn a line away from my eye, and that gave a nice accent.

"Well, say something."

"Raven, are you sure you want this, because now I'm almost as pretty as you are." She laughed.

Then we put on our clothes. Raven had brought a pink knitted pullover. This one had a few braids in it, and a wide shawl collar. Because the collar was so wide, I put a brown top underneath it. That combination went well with my skirt. That was short and plain white, but with a distinctive brown bow and large white ruffles on the left side. I wore relatively short brown boots in suede and grey woolen socks. Those socks were the only boys' clothes I was wearing. Then there was at least something of the old Skylar in my outfit. Grey woolen socks. The boy element.

I looked again in the mirror. For a long time.

"Raven?"

"Yes?"

"Suppose you don't know me, and you run into me on the street. What would you see?"

"A pretty girl."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I would see a girl with some boyish features in her face, but that makes it special. I really like that androgynous look."

Those words gave me confidence. I still need them, those encouraging words.

"And how do you feel about it?"

"Now, right now, I think it's wonderful. I also feel pretty and sophisticated. And you give me confidence."

"And show everyone that you feel pretty. Show that self-confidence."

I thought of Riley's words. Walk up straight. Act normal. Be kind.

"It's just..."

"What?"

"This is the second time I go outside in girls' clothes, but the last time was different. Then I played a role. The role of the young Meagan. Everyone knew that I was a boy. It was my alibi..."

"...and now it's your choice to be dressed like this. I understand what you mean, Skylar. But look at it this way: the people who know you, they know you're a boy, but they're not going to say that to anyone. The people who don't know you will think you are a girl. And your name is Skylar, there are a lot of girls called Skylar."

"But if they ask?"

"Why would they do that? Really, Skylar, the way you look now, that question won't come."

"But if someone finds out?"

"Then you just say that you are a customer of Riley. Everyone at the party knows her, and knows what she's doing."

"Oh, are there going to be other boys in girls' clothes?"

"I don't think so. Usually she doesn't invite customers to her party. You are invited because you are my boyfriend."

Raven then asked the same question.

"Suppose you don't know me, and you run into me on the street. What would you see?"

"A girl out of my league, wearing a very cute dress."

"First of all, I'm your girlfriend, so you're in my league. Second, if you behave well, you might be allowed to put on my dress one day," she teased me.

I asked Mom to take us to the party. After all, I don't want to go out on the street in girls' clothes yet. The outside world is not yet safe. 

In the car I had a funny thought, and Raven saw me laughing.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Together we are a bride."

"Why?"

"I'm wearing something old and something new, and something borrowed...". 

She figured it out.

"and I'm wearing something blue!"

Suddenly we were stuck in traffic. We didn't advance one meter, and we couldn't turn around. Probably there had been an accident. And we were already a bit late.

"You will be there faster on foot," said mother. "It's just another ten minutes' walk."

"Oh no, then I have to go outside," I thought. Raven saw the doubt on my face.

"Come on, Skylar, let's go. You'll see, it'll be fine." she said.

I started nodding no. The thought of going out on the street in this outfit made me very nervous.

"Come on, I'm with you," said Raven.

"Wait a minute," I said, "I need some mental preparation". I turned the corner. Walk up straight. Act normal. Be kind.

We got out, and we walked hand in hand to Riley's place. At the first steps I was still nervous, but it was like Raven said. Nothing happened. There were still some people on the street, but they ignored us. For me it was a special moment, because for the first time in my life I was wearing a skirt on the street. I straightened up. 

Once we were not ignored. A guy saw us from afar, and whistled at us. "Pretend you didn't hear anything," said Raven, "just keep going." She could laugh with it. "He should know," I said.

I enjoyed it more with every step. The world in which this is possible manifested itself again. And I realized that I was creating that world. And that it's up to me to create that world.

But suddenly I saw an obstacle.

"Raven, will you know people there, at that party?"

"Yes, I think there will be a few more cousins."

"What are you going to tell them?"

"What do you mean?"

"What are you going to say about me? About us?"

She remained silent for a moment. She understood. She thought the same as I did. Dilemma. Either we were a couple or just friends. If we were a couple, who was I? A boy? Then I had to reveal my secret, and then also Raven had a lot of explaining to do. Was I a girl? Then Raven had to come out as gay. If we were friends, we wouldn't have to explain anything, and everyone would just think I was a girl.

"Skylar?"

"Yes?"

"Do you mind if we don't say anything about it, about our relationship?"

For the first time I saw doubt in Raven. And now the source was her. She didn't dare to reveal our relationship, but I understood all too well that it's not obvious for her either. And it was actually also more convenient for me not to say anything. I told her that too.

"That's better for me too, so you don't have to feel guilty about it."

"We'll talk about it later, okay?"

She realized that she now had a secret too. A secret for which she was still a bit embarrassed. I grabbed her for a moment, and said: "I love you, you know." "I love you too," she said. She smiled, but not fully. "I would like to kiss you," I said, "but I don't want to ruin our lipstick." " Silly," she said. Now she laughed out loud.

- At the party -

Riley was very excited to see us. She let us in, and complimented us on our looks. The encounter was brief, because the next guests were already waiting.

I hardly knew anyone at the party. Raven did know some people, but we had agreed that I would keep a low profile. "You talk to your cousins, I'll walk around a bit." That made me feel comfortable. I was not in the spotlight. I hardly knew anyone, but that was very convenient for me. That way I could walk around a bit and observe. 

Riley was busy, because she had to take care of everyone, and make sure that everything was all right. But she never showed any stress. Riley doesn't know that, stress. 

Raven was busy talking to some boys and girls. Probably her family.
I was standing alone, having a drink, until one of the guests said:

"Hello, Skylar."

It was Meagan, one of last week's brides.

"Hello, Meagan."

"It's nice to see you here, and I think you're wearing a nice outfit. That skirt is an eye catcher."

"Thank you." I just had to accept this compliment.

"Do you go out more often dressed like this?"

"No, this is actually only the second time. The first time was at your wedding. I only do it in safe environments."

"I understand, but you'll see, every time it goes better."

I was very encouraged to hear her say that. She told me that they had been traveling for a week after the wedding, and that they had only just returned. Meagan and I talked for a long time, a very long time. Although I have to say, she did most of the talking. About her past. And it's quite sad. Very sad.

Meagan

She told me how, as a little child, she already knew what she wanted. She wanted to be a princess, and she wanted to wear beautiful clothes. She wanted to have long hair, like her mother and her few years older sister. If she had the chance, she would go to her sister's room. She considered her sister's wardrobe to be a sanctuary. Her dream world, her heaven. She always looked at her sister's beautiful dresses, skirts and tops first, and then made a choice. She always kept a close eye on where and how the clothes were lying or hanging, because she made sure that everything came back in the right place. She had to do this secretly, she was aware of that. She then took the clothes to her room and put them on. She was always intensely happy when she did that. She looked in the mirror (she had asked for that herself, to have a mirror in her room), she paraded and danced, she would lie on her bed like she thought a princess would do. On her back, with the dress perfectly draped. Or when she was a little older, she lay down on her side, leafing through a glossy magazine, like her sister.

Of course, it had to happen that she would get caught, but the first time she was lucky. It was her sister who found her. At first she reacted very angry, and would tell her parents, but Meagan had started crying. Her sister soon came around, and thought of a solution. Meagan was allowed to have all her sister's hand-me-downs, but she wasn't allowed to get her sister's new clothes yet. They agreed on a place in her sister's wardrobe, where Meagan could choose clothes. Meagan was intensely happy then. She had someone who helped her. She called her sister her petticoat trainer. Sometimes they played together, and then Meagan was allowed to change first. That situation lasted about a year. "The happiest year of my childhood," said Meagan.

"And then what happened?" I asked.

"My parents found out. Everything had come true." Meagan suddenly became sad. A little tear came in her eye.

"I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to make you sad," I said.

"Don't be sorry," said Meagan, and she continued.

"My parents were mad, very mad. This really had to stop. You should know that my parents, especially then, were very conservative. And I thought it was horrible what they did. All of my sister's hand-me-downs were taken away. They sent me to the barber, and my hair was cut short. I was crying on the barber's chair. My heaven was gone, hell was there."

Meagan told me that she was very unhappy. As a child, she ended up in a depression. Things went very bad at school. She had few friends. Her parents sent her to a psychologist, but Meagan kept everything hidden. She didn't want to say anything about what she really wanted. Because she thought it was wrong, and that she was committing a sin. She started to rebel, was expelled from school.

"But it turned out all right, then, didn't it?" I asked.

"Yes, again my sister was my salvation. She went to college, and didn't live at home anymore. At the weekend, I was often allowed to visit her, and then we built another sanctuary. My sister knew who I was, what I wanted, and what I needed. Part of her closet was mine, and we built another wardrobe. My sister taught me everything. She taught me how to behave as a girl, she taught me all about clothes and makeup. My sister taught me to accept who I was. My sister knew I was a woman. She even bought me hormone inhibitors, so I wouldn't develop too masculine."

I didn't really understand the latter, but Meagan explained it to me. Those inhibitors make sure that you don't get things like beard growth, and that your muscles don't develop too strongly and so on.

"What about your parents?" I asked.

"My sister played an important role there as well. In the end, she gave them the choice. Either they would accept me as I was, and give me all the help I needed. Or they would lose me. And actually my sister made the choice for them."

"And that was?"

"The former. My parents have turned around completely. They realized they couldn't do anything else, and they even asked forgiveness for what they had done. They searched for all the information they could find, and talked to gender experts. When I was eighteen, I made the transition, fully, and my parents not only supported me financially, but also emotionally."

I thought it was a very sad story, and I also realized what a stroke of luck I have. The people around me have always supported me, and accepted me as I am. That thought suddenly touched me very much.

"Skylar, your makeup is running."

"Oh no, really?"

"Come on, I'll help you to fix it."

That was so sweet of Meagan. She carefully wiped away the running mascara, and applied some new.

"You're a wonderful woman, Meagan," I said.

"And you're a wonderful girl," she replied. And I found that a compliment.

The story had upset me a bit. Riley had seen me standing there with a sad face, after Meagan had started talking to other people again.

"What is it, Skylar? Are you okay?"

"I just talked to Meagan. She told me her life story, and I'm still overwhelmed."

"Oh, I can imagine that. It is indeed very sad, but look, it all ended well."

"And I realize how lucky I am, with you, with my understanding mother, with crazy Raven."

"Thank you, Skylar, but you are such a wonderful boy yourself."

"It's funny that you say that."

"Why?"

"Because Meagan just said I'm a wonderful girl."

"You are, of course. You are the best gift for my birthday. I really appreciate it that you show up here in a girl's outfit."

"If I may be so honest, I’m doing this for me as well."

"I know that, but that makes the gift even more precious to me. If it didn't benefit you, I wouldn't like it either."

"Hi Dreamgirl"

"Hi Silly"

It was Raven again. She asked me if I would like to meet her family.

"I'll say you're one of my best friends from school. And don't worry, I'll do most of the talking."

"That's fine," I said.

We were introduced to each other, but most of the names I've already forgotten. Raven turned out to be the chatterbox indeed. I didn't have to say much, but when I said something, I did it with a soft voice. A softer voice than I am used to. It happened by itself. Nobody had the slightest clue. I thought it was exciting and funny at the same time, until one of her cousins turned to me. He started asking me all sorts of questions, and all of a sudden it was just the two of us. So this guy really thought I was a girl, because a boy has never been so kind to me.

Suddenly I was pulled away. It was Raven. She had seen that I had ended up in an awkward situation, and came to my rescue. She said to her cousin:

"You can't have Skylar, Calvin, because she has someone already." and she winked at me.

"He was flirting so hard, didn't you see that?" she said to me.

"Are you serious?"

"OK, I have yet to teach you about that. Come on, let's go dance."

Raven took me to a place where there was music and where some guests were dancing. Mostly girls. Typical. The dancing was not too exuberant, like at the wedding, but rather quiet. With quieter music, and there was not so much room of course. I really liked this situation. I closed my eyes, and moved gently with the music. When you dance, you don't have to talk to anyone. Raven and I danced for quite a long time, until mother came to get us.

I'm glad I went to the party. Everything went well. I was treated like a girl by people who don't know me, and I liked that. The conversation with Meagan made a big impression on me. It made me realize how privileged I am. I hope to see her again. I still have to change my list. Yet again a lot of people have seen me in a skirt. I realize that this list confirms something. It confirms that my world is getting bigger, and there is more of it. Tomorrow I won't see Raven, because she had to go somewhere with her parents. That's a pity, because we still have to talk about something.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 35