Skylar's Diary - Day 40

Dear Diary, when I wrote you yesterday, mother was not home yet, but afterwards I have spent some time with her. That was important to me, because I was still feeling tense in the evening. What I really wanted was sitting on the couch with my mother, with a cup of hot chocolate. Relaxed, cozy, with Raven's nightie on, and mother's bathrobe. I recognized and still recognize that there is only one person in the world whose love is unconditional, no matter what stupid things I do.

I lay against her, and I told her everything about what happened at school, and about how I felt about it. I noticed for myself that I spoke in a calm way. The tension had disappeared from my body. It felt so incredibly safe against mother. When I had told my story, she said:

"I'm so proud of you."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't think of a better way for you to react. You did the right thing."

I was very happy that she said that.

"What are you going to do now?" she asked.

I hadn't told her about my first conversation with Mrs. Liang this week, and I didn't want to say too much about it yet. I wanted to know first what Mrs. Liang would say today. So, I kept my answer a bit fuzzy.

"I want to be able to be who I am everywhere."

"I will do what I can to help you with that."

And despite the difficult day yesterday, I slept well. I had calmed down. This morning I got up, and I wanted to make a statement at school, but without exaggerating. So, I put on nail polish (new one, dark blue, from the set mother gave me), a bracelet ('borrowed' from mother), and a little bit of makeup. The only thing that stood out was a small line beneath my eyes, very subtle. Enough for girls to see, but boys don't have that observation skill. I went to school, and I was calm.

Yesterday's hurricane was indeed gone. The news about my outing was no longer exciting, apparently, but that was convenient for me. The classes progressed quite calmly, and I hung out with both Raven and Devon. Raven told me that Brandon had come to apologize to her. He probably won't do that to me, but that's not something I’m waiting for. Raven had accepted his apologies, but also asked him to leave me alone. We'll see.

The most important thing today was the conversation with Mrs. Liang, during the lunch break.

I could leave you in suspense, Dear Diary, but I'm going to say it right away. It was a good conversation. In essence she said this:

"Skylar, we talked about you for a long time yesterday. Of course, some of my colleagues were surprised, and we all needed some time to make all the necessary considerations. But at the end of the discussion, we agreed: you should be able to be who you are. As you know, our clothing guidelines are not strict, and as long as you follow these, you can wear whatever you want. We don't distinguish between boys and girls in our guidelines either, so it's not even up to us to give you permission to wear girls' clothes. Of course, we do realize that this can create friction, and that as a school, we have to be cautious anyway."

What she said, sounded like music to me, but I didn't show it too much yet.

"Maybe it's best that this is announced somehow, so that nobody has to face such surprises as yesterday. How do you think this is best done?"

I had to think for a moment, and then I said:

"I'll take care of that myself." I didn't have a real plan yet, but I didn't want the school to take up this task. I wanted to discuss this with Raven and Devon. It had to be done today, because after the weekend I wanted to appear in my new looks.

Then Mrs. Liang said something else that I thought was funny.

"Oh, and there’s this. You probably know that we have a gender-neutral toilet here at school. We advise you to make use of it."

She saw me laughing a bit.

"Do you think that's funny?"

"A little bit, because it's actually a toilet for wheelchair users, and now it looks like I have a disability too."

She understood the joke.

"I think in your case it's an extra ability."

I thought it was nice that she said that. The girl in me is a superpower.

I thanked Mrs. Liang, and wished her a nice weekend.

After talking to Mrs. Liang, I immediately went to Raven and Devon. I told them the good news. Raven reacted enthusiastically. Devon clearly had to get used to the idea, but I don't blame him for that. I discussed with them how we would tell everyone. We thought that an official announcement was over the top. In the end we decided to do it in an old-fashioned way: just spreading the word. One could say that I instructed Raven and Devon to use all gossip channels.

Yesterday I wasn't able to pay attention in the classroom. Neither did I today. I was constantly thinking about the coming days. I thought about what I could wear to school on Monday. So many options. Girls must indeed be stressed in the morning. So many clothes, and nothing to wear. Tomorrow I want to go shopping, for some new outfits, with Raven. Of course she wants to go with me. And I also want something new for Sunday, for the brunch at Meagan's.

It's not just about clothes of course, it goes beyond that. I'm going to live a girl's life, and while I saw this as an impossibility just a few weeks ago, I became very aware that it was going to happen. The world where this is possible is coming. And I created it myself, thanks to the support of incredibly sweet people: my mother, who had actually taken the first initiative by engaging Riley, Riley herself, of course, who was gradually removing all the barriers, Raven, who supported me by loving me for who I am, Mrs. Liang who took my side, Meagan, who is a role model... I am fortunate to have such great people around, and what I want to do on Sunday for sure is thank them.

I came home this evening, and a little later mother came home as well. We had dinner together, and I told her about my conversation with Mrs. Liang and my decision. She must have noticed that I am convinced of my plan, and that I am very much looking forward to it. Mothers may be worried, that's their job, but my mother probably realized that she shouldn't warn me about possible bad reactions or setbacks. I asked her if I could buy some new clothes tomorrow, and she agreed. She was also happy with the invitation to Sunday's brunch.

This evening I also made an inventory. What clothes do I already have? And what makeup stuff? What else do I need? I also decided that my room has to change. I think of new wallpaper, new bedding, a bedside table with glossy magazines, those kinds of things. But all in due time, I can't do everything at once.

Shorts, I have three, one of which has stitched pockets. That's all I need for the time being.

 

Dresses, five. The two white dresses are more suitable for special occasions. The green one and the two blue ones, these I could wear at school. For the time being, that’s enough.

Skirts, three. What? Three? Far too little. And the white one is also for special occasions. Tomorrow I should definitely buy skirts. And tops that go with it: blouses, sweaters, t-shirts, cardigans...

Nightwear. Two regular nighties, and a negligee. Maybe we should buy another simple nightie.

Shoes. A pair of black flats, a pair of sandals, a pair of boots, and two pairs with a heel and straps: a brown pair and a white pair. Also a few pairs of sneakers. Don't give priority to this.

Some smaller things. Socks. Tights. Definitely tights. Underwear. I need those too.

Makeup. Mother's set is extensive. Not urgent.

Jewelry. I don't have much yet, but I can borrow from mother. And from Raven. I also have to get my ears pierced, but not tomorrow. No time.

It will be a busy day tomorrow.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 41