Skylar's Diary - Day 36

Today I had to go to school. Nothing special happened. I was with Raven a lot, but I didn't neglect my other friends either. After school I brought Raven back home. I also asked her for one of her black dresses. It is a very simple but rather short dress. It was so nice that she just gave it to me, without asking questions about it. We were together again for a short time, too short, but we have something to look forward to. Tomorrow night she will be home alone, and then I will go to her place. I told mother that we would work on a task for school together. And that is not a lie, only it is actually an individual task. But we can help out each other, can't we? The day after tomorrow promises to be even more fun, because then the school will be closed. In the middle of the week. Raven and I have agreed to take the train to the coast. A whole day with Raven. What a lovely prospect.

This morning I had already called Riley. I asked her if it was okay for her to go for a walk with the two of us tonight, in the neighborhood of my home. I was a bit tired of being inside all the time. Of course she liked that, and the weather was fine. "Do I need to bring anything else?" she asked. "No, I have everything I need," I replied. " All right," she said.

Shortly after mother and I had finished eating, Riley rang the bell. I already had my outfit on: Raven's black dress, with underneath tights that I had 'borrowed' from mother. I hadn't really asked her permission, but she had seen it, and she didn't say anything about it. The jacket and the shoes come from my boy's wardrobe. I don't like the idea yet of going outside totally girly-girly, but this combination was exciting enough for me. At the beginning of the walk I would be a bit nervous, I was aware of that, but with every step my self-confidence would grow. And I would enjoy it more and more. Certainly with Riley around.
Riley saw me standing in my outfit, and smiled. It was a smile from which I could tell that she was happy with my outfit. She didn't say anything, probably because she doesn't want to be judgmental. 

"Shall we go then?" I said.

"Of course," she said.

We closed the door behind us. We didn't have a specific destination. There's a little park near my home where we could walk around or sit on a bench. 
I had thought carefully in advance about the things I wanted to discuss with her. At some point I asked her "Shall I start?".

"I'm listening," she replied.

"You told me that it is now up to me to decide what I want. I have thought about this. I know what I want. I want the girl in me to be able to live life to the fullest. When she wants it, where she wants it. Also at school. I don't want to have any more secrets from anyone."

I also talked about the world as Raven once imagined it.

"Raven once talked about a world that is not always there, and not everywhere. It was a world where I could be who I was, and where everyone was kind to me. That world existed at the wedding, and also at your party. But I've learned over the past few weeks that I shouldn't wait for that world. I have to create it myself, and what I have learned also: I can create it."

Riley listened attentively to my words. I hoped that she would immediately respond enthusiastically, and support me dearly, but that's not how Riley is.

"Why do you want that, Skylar?" she asked.

I was a little confused by that question, so I had to think about it, but Riley was giving me the time.

"Because it makes me happy. When I just think about it, I'm excited. It feels unhealthy to keep hiding an essential part of me, so I would experience it as an enormous freedom if could let the inner girl come out."

Riley didn't say whether that was a good reason or not. 

"What is holding you back?" she asked.

"I'm afraid of negative reactions. In my imagination, I go to school in a skirt, and then I see those guys in my class who come to ridicule me, and continue to bully me. Actually, Riley, this is one of the reasons I wanted to see you. What should I do?"

In the meantime we had come to a bench, and we had sat down. Riley thought for a while.

"Don't allow any fear, and don't allow any anger. As long as you're anxious, you're not going to be able to do anything, or do the wrong things. The fear will paralyze you. Think carefully about where your fear comes from. It comes from you, not from others. If you have no fear, there is little others can do to you."

"That's easily said."

"I know, but think about it. What can others do? They won't physically attack you, it wouldn't be tolerated. They can laugh at you, but if you show that it doesn't affect you, it will soon stop. You can also look at it this way: the people you care about won't do it. On the contrary, they are on your side. The people who do react negatively, are also people whose opinion is not important to you. Come out for who you are, and show that you have self-confidence, and they can't do anything. And ignore them if possible."

I listened very attentively, and tried to remember everything she said.

"You talked about anger," I continued. "I must admit that I have already imagined it. That they attack me, and then I take revenge, like a superhero in a movie, or an avatar with superpowers in a game."

"But you probably know that's the stupidest thing you can do. Then you give them another reason to take you back. And then it only gets worse."

"You're right."

"Do you know how you'll handle it yet?"

"I don't have a big plan yet, but tomorrow I'll talk to Mrs. Liang. Remember? My teacher we met the first time we went shopping."

"I remember her. Why are you going to talk to her?"

"There is a reason. Raven accidentally showed a picture of me at the wedding. She also explained it to Mrs. Liang then, and I'm sure Mrs. Liang didn't talk about it with anyone. Tomorrow I have an appointment with her, and I'm going to tell her everything. As it is. And I'm also going to tell her what I would like. That I can be who I am at school."

"And how do you think she will react?"

"I'm not sure about that. Maybe she'll talk it out of my head, maybe she'll find a way to help me. I don't know. I'm not afraid to tell her that I'm enjoying my girl time. I trust her."

"I think that's a good idea. You should do that."

"Oh, Hello, Skylar." Someone suddenly talked to me. I was startled for a moment. It was Mrs. Fuentes, one of our neighbors. She's quite old, and very nice. She always laughs so sweetly.

"Oh, hi, Mrs. Fuentes." I panicked for a moment, sitting on the couch in a dress and tights, but I had the impression that Mrs. Fuentes didn't notice anything.

"Are you also enjoying a walk in the park?"

"Yes, and the weather is pretty nice."

"I think so too. Is she a friend of yours?" She looked at Riley.

"Yes, her name is Riley. I know her from..."

I got stuck. What should I say? I couldn't start telling the whole story, could I?

"...through Skylar's mother," Riley finished the sentence. That wasn't a lie.

"Oh, how nice. Well, enjoy it."

It was kind of funny. She hadn't even seen what I was wearing. Old people often don’t see that well anymore. Riley and I could laugh about it.

"Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?" Riley continued.

"Yes, about Raven. I know she is related to you, so it might be a bit difficult, but I have to tell you anyway. She preferred me to be just a friend of hers at your party. She would rather keep our relationship hidden. I understood why, but it worries me a bit. I'm afraid I might lose her. And I don't know what to do. If I were an ordinary boy, she wouldn't like me. But if I'm too girly, she can't come out for our relationship. What would her parents think if she came home with a boyfriend in a skirt?"

"Unfortunately I don't know the perfect answer to this. I know her parents, who are very sweet people, but I don’t know how they would react. But about Raven, I do know this. She is a very spontaneous and sincere girl. She is actually my favorite cousin. Her love for you is authentic. The last thing she thinks about is leaving you in the lurch. But I think she doesn't know how to solve this either. Just like you, she still faces some challenges. I also think that you will grow closer together in the near future, and that you can help out each other."

"Thanks, Riley. I really like what you're saying. Shall we go back?"

"Okay"

"And then there is something also on my mind still."

"What is it?"

"It's about you."

"Now I'm curious."

"Isn't it true that mother pays you for all the sessions with me?"

"She has always paid me for those, that's right, and she also reimbursed the expenses, like the clothes you wanted and were allowed to keep.”

"So this is actually your job. Not that I mind, I know that you still have, or have had, other customers."

"That's right too. I consider is at my student job. I need the money to pay for my studies."

"But does that mean that I won't see any more you once the sessions are over?"

"The sessions are already over for a while, Skylar."

"What do you mean?"

"The last session was the one where you handed in your letter. That's the way I conclude."

"But what about today?"

"Today I'm here as a friend."

I didn't know what to say. I thought this was so sweet of her, and again I was touched. We looked at each other, and she must have seen my watery eyes. We hugged. The first time I hugged Riley.

"I was really afraid that I would hardly ever see you again," I said.

"If you need me, I'll be there, Skylar."

We were almost home. I asked Riley if she would give my contact details to Meagan. I wanted to meet her again. “Sure,” said Riley.

We arrived at home.

"Oh, Riley, one other thing. Those lingerie sets are still here, I still have to return them to you."

"Oh, you don’t need to," she said, "they have been paid for."

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 37