Skylar's Diary - Day 78

Dear Diary, maybe I should start by apologizing. I've been neglecting you for some time... I can comfort myself with the thought that you don't suffer from any negative feelings. And I can also tell you that lately, I haven't been bothered by any negative feelings either. The last few weeks I have been living in a new world, you know, the world Raven envisioned at the time. The world in which I am accepted as I am, and in which I can express myself as I wish.

And that world is a blissful world. I am all the more happy because I realize that not everyone who is like me can live in such a world. I am very grateful for all those sweet people who have supported me: my mother, Riley, Raven, Mrs. Liang, Meagan, and also Carole, Devon, Summer... my classmates who really do their best to make me feel at ease.

If you ask me "How are you?", I'll say "Good, very good actually." And what I think is best of all, is that I don't stand out anymore. What I do, how I do it, what I wear, it's all normal. As if nobody cares. I am my natural self, and that feels so incredibly good. I am very convinced that for many boys, femininity is a natural state. That in all boys there is a girl, and that she can be substantial, like in me, but that she can also be smaller. And that it is very important to let that girl speak. That she can show herself. This should be encouraged.

Look at the girls. There is a boy in every girl, and for decades they have let that boy live. Girls become women, and many of them become leaders, good leaders. Leaders of movements, of organizations, of companies. Their masculinity is questioned by few (except for a few monkeys). The time has come to embrace femininity in every boy.

I realize that I am preaching, Dear Diary, but rest assured. I don't stand on the corner of the street every day, spreading my message. Maybe I should bother you with the details in my life over the last few weeks. I will start with Raven.

Yes, Raven and I are still together, and our love has only grown stronger. There was one more obstacle we had to overcome, and that was the acceptance by her parents. How would they react if they knew that their daughter was with a boy living such a feminine life? However, this was her obstacle, not mine, and she handled it very sensitively. First of all, she didn't put me forward as an object of controversy, but herself. One quiet evening she told her parents that she doesn't like boys, but girls. That she had been convinced of that for some time. That it made her feel insecure. That she thought it would be better to tell them. That she hoped they would still love her.

Of course her parents were startled by this news, and they were confused, but as Riley said earlier, they are sweet people. Their love is also unconditional, and they only wanted Raven to be happy. Of course I did come up for discussion. "What about Skylar? "Skylar is, except for a few details, a girl," Raven explained. And she told my story very honestly and openly. It remained confusing for them, but they saw the lights in their daughter's eyes when she told them about me. The details I'm talking about above even turned out to be a kind of consolation.

 Two weeks ago her parents also met the girl Skylar, and I have to be honest that it was a bit uncomfortable for everyone in the beginning. But in the meantime we are all used to it a bit more. I thought this was an important step. My ideal world was that way complete.

And I certainly have something to say about myself. You may remember, Dear Diary, the questions I struggled with. Am I comfortable with my body, or do I also want the body of a girl? I first talked about it with Meagan again, and then also with mother, with Riley, and of course with Raven. For a moment we considered consulting an expert, but in the end we didn't, because I had decided not to change my body completely. It had many advantages to do it, but the disadvantages were significant as well. And Meagan's words continued to resonate: "There are many ways to express your femininity."

I'll never get a muscular body, that's not in my genes, and I'm not going to do my best to get strong muscles. I hardly have any hair growth on my body, and there are good techniques to control it. If I take good care of my skin, it stays nice and smooth. I have beautiful hair by nature, and I intend to make it very long, but maybe not as long as Raven. I won't touch hormones for the time being. That's mainly because of Raven. The last few weeks we have been experimenting further... if you know what I mean, Dear Diary. We explored each other's bodies further, and we came up with some surprising discoveries. And there's still a lot to discover. Raven calls me a dream girl with extra features. It makes me happy when she says that.

Oh yes, and do you know who else are together? It won't surprise you of course: Summer and Devon. It's so nice to see the two together. They love each other too, and just like Raven and I, it's Summer who's in charge a bit, but in a gentle, sweet way. And Summer tries to be a bit Devon's Raven, in the sense that she challenges him to discover his feminine side. Devon isn't like me, he'll still be a boy, but with Summer's support he dares to experiment with girly clothes, jewelry and makeup. The four of us often go out together, see a movie, have a nice meal, go for a walk... This is friendship for life.

I recently updated my list of girls' properties. Without any hesitation I can tick everything now. What was left since the last time?

Number 3. "I like to make things beautiful."
You should see my room, Dear Diary. The visit to Meagan and Carole's house has opened my eyes. That's what I wanted, a beautiful and stylish room. Mother has supported me tremendously, and Raven has helped me a lot. It started small. Raven and I were sitting in my room (being very good), and we felt there was a need for change: new bedding, at least, other things on the wall, and actually other curtains as well. And why not change the wallpaper and the furniture? In short, what was needed was a total makeover. Mother agreed with the idea, but we had to come up with a plan first. Raven and I went to visit shops, browsed in magazines, looked up a lot of things online, and made a plan. Mother almost completely agreed: she thought the massage chair was a bit exaggerated, and we also had to do the work ourselves.

The plan was to first sweep everything out of my room and remove the wallpaper. Raven and I were wearing our dirtiest clothes, and each armed with a big sponge and a bucket of water with solvent, we started working on it. With Raven around, you can imagine it won't stay neat for long, so we both ended up soaking wet, but we had the biggest fun.

We painted the ceiling, and together with mother (who can work very precisely) we applied the new wallpaper. Two walls were light blue in a solid color, and for the other two walls we had chosen floral wallpaper. No, no wallpaper for little girls, but for older teenage girls. The same for the bedding: no pink sheets with ponies or unicorns, but stylish sheets that subtly radiate femininity.

We put the furniture together ourselves: the bed, the closet (with only a few boys' clothes), the desk (I'm studying there), a bedside table (to put glossy magazines on), and a mirror dressing table. Yes, as I indicated earlier, I wanted my own place for my make-up stuff. Mother always prepares herself in the bathroom, but there it's too small for the two of us. And I like to experiment with make-up in my own sanctuary, and to further develop my skills. My room is really cozy now. Raven is even a bit jealous.

Number 6. "I'm diligent at school."
You should see my grades, Dear Diary. At record heights. I can't explain it very well myself, but my femininity forces me to do my best in school. It's also like I can concentrate better in a skirt or a dress. Since my coming-out I have had several conversations with Mrs. Liang, and she herself was surprised that I was doing so well at school. Not only was the new me accepted by everyone, but my school results improved. This of course confirmed her initial stance, as she had taken it up for me with some risk anyway.

Number 9. "I chat a lot."
Definitely. Let's say I exchanged my game time for chat time. I have a lot of new online girlfriends now, and we're having a lot of fun. Forwarding crazy movies, making crazy faces, acting stupid (while of course we know we're smart). My humor has changed too.  My boy jokes were rather rude, and at the expense of others. Now I laugh at embarrassing situations, or miserable situations, but only if the victim can also laugh with them.

Number 20. "I like to cook."
I have added another girls' property (which results in a list of 20 items, a round number). Since the visit to Meagan and Carole I started a new hobby. Cooking. Until now mother always did this at home, but now we do it together, and she loves that too.  I want to learn a lot. I want to be able to make delicious and healthy things. Sometimes I try it alone. It doesn't always work out, and then I'm always a little angry with myself. Mother then explains to me afterwards what I did wrong, and what I have to watch out for. Last weekend I cooked for Raven, a kind of candlelight dinner. I had really done my best. Appetizers in advance: bruschetta's with tomato, and smoked salmon with herb cheese. Soup of fresh tomatoes with basil. Risotto with pumpkin and Mascarpone. Tiramisu. All in small portions. Raven was moved.

I love Raven.

I am Skylar.

I am a girl.

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