Skylar's Diary - Day 35

Today was a quiet day. It was a day without Raven. Maybe one has to do with the other. I could use that quietness though. Everything is going so fast lately, and I have so little time to think. But still I missed Raven.

I spent a lot of time with my mother today. I slept in, got up, and walked through the house in my pink nightie. There was a package on the table.

" Who is this package for, Mother? "

Mother came to me. "For you," she said.

"Why do I get a present?"

"I'll explain it to you in a moment. Take a look first."

I opened the package, and it was full of jars and tubes and boxes... It was all makeup stuff: moisturizer, primer, foundation, powders, blush, eye shadow, eyeliner, mascara, lip balm, lip gloss, lip liner, lipstick, nail polish, and even a bottle of perfume... I couldn't quite figure it out yet.

"I'm going to be honest, Skylar. It's a gift from me to you, but I'm also doing this a bit for myself. Yesterday Raven and you have been quite messy, so I thought it would be better if you had your own set."

At first I felt a bit guilty.

"But I've also seen how much you enjoy experimenting with this."

I immediately recalled the story of Meagan yesterday. How horribly she was treated. How she was rejected for who she was, by her own parents. The misery she has been through. And then the contrast with my own situation. How sweet can a mother be? A tear came in my eyes.

"What is it, Skylar? Don't you like it?"

I smiled, with teary eyes. I walked to my mother, and grabbed her firmly.

"You are the best mother I could have."

She was probably surprised by my emotional reaction, but she let me get on with it.

"I need to tell you a few things," I told her. 

"You know what? We can go out for brunch again. Then you can tell le everything. Would you like that?"

"Oh yes"

"All right, go get dressed then. When you're done, we can leave."

Yesterday Raven had dressed here, so there were still some of her clothes. Her long black t-shirt with a big smiley on it, I was not afraid to go outside with it. The collar was very wide, so there was always a shoulder exposed. The t-shirt was also quite long, and because I put a very short pair of shorts underneath it (got these from Riley), it looked like a dress. I liked that idea. I was very well aware that this way I was showing my legs, but I'm going to confess something to you, Dear Diary: I'm quite happy with my legs. They are long and slim, and my skin is still soft and pure. I hardly have any hair, almost invisible.

I also put on a choker, and a little pin in my hair. A few feminine elements, that felt nice too. They keep me aware of the transition I'm going through, and with my mother I would feel at ease. I knew it would be fine for her.

When I was dressed, I said to mother:

"I'm ready."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, why?"

"You look fine now, but I thought you might want to try some of your new stuff."

I hadn't thought of that yet. It's only for an ordinary brunch. No party or anything. I was still in doubt.

"To be honest, Mother, I'm still incredibly clumsy with makeup. I'm going to look like a clown..."

"...unless somebody helps you.”

Until now, Mother wasn't really involved in my 'program', and I had the impression that she was soliciting for a job. Today we had all the time, so why not?

"OK then," I said. Mother smiled.

She took out a mirror and put it on the table. We sat down next to each other. Of course I remembered the theory I had learned from Riley. It was mainly handiness that I still had to work on. This time I tried to do everything myself, but mother constantly gave me tips and feedback. I was very careful, and always worked with small doses. It's easier to add something than to take something off. It worked out pretty well, this time, also because mother was constantly adjusting. I was happy with the result. It was hardly noticeable that I was wearing makeup, but I looked noticeably better. Mother was also satisfied.
Mother also wanted to adjust herself a bit, she said, and in the meantime I painted my nails.

We went for brunch in the neighborhood. We went there on foot. I realized that my looks were pretty girly, and that did create a bit of tension. I'd never been out in our neighborhood with a look like that before. It was exciting, but I also felt very free, and delighted. I walked up straight, and tried to walk elegantly. In the end I don't need anyone's permission to do this, except from myself. I enjoyed the walk.

I think Mother and I spent more than two hours in the restaurant. Not that we ate that much, but most of all we talked a lot. I told my mother about yesterday's party, that I had enjoyed it, but I also told the whole story of Meagan. Mother also felt sorry for Meagan and she understood why that story made me so sad.

"The bizarre thing is that you do the opposite," I said, "In the beginning you forced me a little bit to try all those girl things, and I was the one who resisted. But slowly I began to realize that I liked those things. Initially I felt guilty about that, but you took it all away. What's more, you praised me for it. If only Meagan had had such great people around her, she would never have been so unhappy."

"And are you happy now?"

I hesitated.

"You don't say yes, Skylar, so there's something…"

I was thinking about the world Raven first talked about. The world as it was at the wedding. And like at Riley's party. A world where I can be who I am. Where everything is allowed, where I walk around in pretty clothes and wear makeup. But I realized that my mother can't give me that world, and that she can't help me with it either. This is something I need to discuss with Riley.

"You have something on your mind," said mother, "would you rather not talk about it?"

"Maybe I do, it's about Raven". I was thinking about yesterday, and maybe Mother can help me with that.

"What about Raven?"

"I think she's the sweetest girl in the whole world, and I'm incredibly happy that we're together, but I think she's in doubt. Yesterday at the party she preferred that we wouldn't tell anyone that we were in a relationship. For me, that was also more convenient, but I still thought it was a pity that she wanted to keep it a secret. As if she was embarrassed about something."

"I don't know her very well, Skylar, but I really don't think she's embarrassed about you. I think she actually likes you because you're so special."

"That may be true..."

"Maybe you should look at it this way: you're not the only one struggling with yourself. You wonder who you are. You wonder what it means to be a boy who wants to taste from a girl’s life. Raven also wonders who she is. She wonders what it means to be a girl who is in love with a boy like you."

I hadn't seen it that way yet. What mother said seemed logical to me. She continued.

"I think you can help each other. You can look for the answers to those questions together."

I liked that plan. We returned home, and I stayed home for the remainder of the day. Raven wasn't online, so I played video games. In the blue dress I got from Raven. Lovely. 

After a while I got bored, and took the box with all the stuff I got from my mom to my room. I investigated each item in detail, and put everything nicely on my desk. That was even more lovely. I need a special place for this stuff, I thought.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 36