Skylar's Diary - Day 39

What did I write yesterday? That today would be a nice day? Well, that was definitely not the case. My nightmare has come true. I'm still shivering.

When I arrived at school, Devon walked right up to me.

"Skylar, is it true? Were you in the railway station with Raven yesterday?"

"Erm yes, why?"

"Were you wearing a skirt?"

"How do you know that?"

"Everyone knows. Brandon has seen you, and has even taken some pictures, and is now sharing them with everyone."

I faded. I felt my blood sagging. I became nauseous. I was feverish. I wanted to go home. I wanted to die. I didn't know what to say.

"Skylar, how could you have been so stupid? I thought you never went out like that?"

Yes, it was stupid of me. I was aware of that too. But I was more concerned of what to do next. Going home? Hiding? I got incredibly scared. I was desperate.

"Skylar, tell me what happened."

While stuttering, I told Devon about my trip to the coast with Raven. And how it happened that I wasn't wearing pants.

"Dude..." he said. What more could he say? He couldn't solve this.

Raven came to us, unsuspecting.

"Good morning sweetheart" she said.

"They know."

"What do they know?"

"Brandon saw us last night at the railway station. And he took pictures, and now he's showing them to everyone."

"Oh no" What more could she say?

"What are you going to do now?" Devon asked.

Did I know. I had no idea. And neither did Devon, and neither did Raven. She gave me a big hug, but it couldn't take away my fear.

"We are on your side," said Raven, and she looked at Devon. He put a hand on my shoulder.

Don't allow fear, Riley said a few days ago. But fear was there. And it didn't go away. I couldn't think anymore. Like a robot - or was it a zombie - I went to class.

As we went to class, it started. "Hi sissy!" "Where's your skirt?" "Are you wearing girl's panties?" That is what I heard. I tried to ignore it, but it didn't work out.

The first class was from Mrs. Liang. The start of the lesson was still orderly, but the jokes kept coming. I heard the boys laughing. A piece of paper was thrown at my head. I also got a note "When do we meet, hot girl?" Mrs. Liang gave instructions, but I wasn’t paying attention.

What jerks, I thought. My fear slowly turned into anger. I didn't show it, but I got angry. I wanted to stand up and shout and yell and push over benches... Don't let anger in, Riley said, then you do stupid things. I decided for myself not to react.

At a certain moment Brandon said something, I couldn't understand it, but several boys started laughing out loud. It must have been about me. I was still angry. Raven looked at me, she felt for me, that was clear. But I don't want pity from Raven, I want her to admire me, for who I am. I have to be strong, not in the physical sense, but mentally.

"What is going on here," Mrs. Liang asked in a firm way.

It got quiet in the classroom. Some were still chuckling here and there.

Suddenly my heart started to beat faster, because I had decided to do something. I waited a bit longer. I thought of Riley's words. I can't allow their harassment to affect me. I don't care about their opinion. Raven's opinion is important. I have to stand up for who I am, and show that I'm not ashamed of it.

"Mrs. Liang, can I say something?"

"Please, Skylar."

I stood up, I realized that everyone was looking at me. Some with a nasty grin, many didn't know anything yet, Raven looked worried.

"I want to explain what is going on. Yesterday I went to the coast with Raven, and someone saw us. I was wearing a skirt, and tights. Some already learned about that today, and now everyone knows. You may be wondering why I was walking around dressed like that. It's hard to explain in short, but I'll first answer the questions I got in the meantime.

‘Where is your skirt’, someone asked. Technically it's not mine, it's Raven's, and it's at my house.

‘Are you wearing girl's panties’, was also a question. The answer is no. I'm not wearing girl's panties right now, but you know of course that it's none of your business.

I also got the request for a date from someone who thinks I'm a hot girl. I have to disappoint you, I'm engaged, and if it's up to me, it's going to take a long time."

Of course I looked at Raven when I said that. She smiled. I went on.

"Someone said ‘Hi sissy’. Maybe I should have said ‘Hi’ back as a courtesy, but I didn't think the greeting was appropriate. Whoever it was, you wanted to insult me, and I'm sorry for you if it gives you pleasure to insult someone."

The class remained silent. I didn't look into anyone's eyes, except for Raven's now and then.

"You may have noticed that I have been experimenting a lot lately. With things that are intended for girls. I go a long way in that, I admit. You wonder why. I find that a difficult question myself. All I can say is that I like those experiments. You might wonder if I would like to be a girl. I can't give a clear answer to that question either. More experiments are needed. But suppose it was the case, I still don't think it's fair that I get laughed at for that."

Mrs. Liang let me go on. Everyone listened. The atmosphere reversed, and that wasn't to Brandon's liking. He couldn't resist making a rotten remark.

"All well and good, Miss Skylar, but now I wonder how Raven fits into this picture. If she wants you to walk around like a girl, does that mean she's a lesbian?"

Everyone was shocked.

"Brandon!" Mrs. Liang shouted "that's an extremely inappropriate remark. I can't tolerate this."

I looked at Raven. She was shocked. She had tears in her eyes. She stood up and walked out of the classroom.

I looked at Brandon. I was very angry for a moment, but I thought of Riley’s words again.

I said to him, very calmly: "Suppose she is, is that a reason to bully her? I really think you can be a better person than what you're showing us now."

I looked at Mrs. Liang. I think she saw from my look that I wanted to go after Raven. She nodded in agreement.

I walked up the corridor and saw Raven just around the corner. I went after her. She went outside, and sat on a wall. She cried. I sat down next to her, but didn't say anything. I just wanted her to know that I was with her.

"That was so mean," she sobbed, "I didn't expect that." I put my arm around her.

We sat there on the wall for quite a long time. At first we didn't say much. We didn't have to. The first emotions had to fade away slowly.

"I'm sorry I dragged you into this," I said at one point.

"It's not your fault, Skylar. There is something wrong with me. Maybe it's true. Maybe I like girls."

"Isn't that the case then?"

"What are you saying now?"

"I'm your girl, aren't I?"

There was the first smile, through her tears.

"You're sweet, Skylar, but I've made you a girl. You did all these things for me, because you love me."

"Raven, that's not true. I really don't do those things for you. I do them because I feel good about them. All you've done is take away all my guilt. I am very grateful to you for that."

"Stop being so sweet." She poked me.

I poked her back. "No, you're sweet."

"You're cute."

"No, you're cute." We kept on poking.

"What are we going to do?" she asked a little later.

"Now let's wait until the class is over, and then we'll talk to Mrs. Liang during the break."

We were standing in the corridor waiting for Mrs. Liang to finish the lesson.

"Ah, it's good to see you," she said.

"Mrs. Liang, I want to apologize for the turmoil I caused in your class."

"You don't have to do that, Skylar. I think you've acted courageously and with dignity. You also did well to come to me at the beginning of this week."

"We don't really know what to do now."

"Don't worry. I talked to the class for a while. I said that we as a school, and thus also the students, should have respect for students who are different. It should never be a reason for bullying."

"I keep finding it hard to face them again."

"I understand that, Skylar, but you can look at it in a positive way. The worst is now behind us. The truth has come out, and that's the hardest step. You know I'll be talking to the teachers' team about you later. I will also tell you what happened today. And what I told you on Monday, still holds: I think that we as a school should support you."

"Thank you, Mrs. Liang."

"Raven, how are you?" she then asked.

"It'll be all right," said Raven, "what was said just shocked me a lot."

"It was also very mean, but don't worry about it. When you were gone, a lot of students stood up for you."

Raven was pleased to hear that. And I also got to learn something nice.

"By the way, Skylar. Devon is on your side, too. He said we should let you be who you are. And that they should leave you alone, if they have a problem with that."

Afterwards I went to thank Devon. It was true what Mrs. Liang said. The worst was over, and even though it was a very unpleasant experience, it is also a redeeming one. It's no longer a secret, I don't have to hide anything anymore. And neither does Raven. But of course I still have a lot of questions. What now? What will the teacher team decide? What do I really want myself? Sometimes I keep doubting. Maybe I should start acting more normal.

After school I took Raven home. We were both a bit upset, but we felt that we had each other, and that we supported each other. We kissed less, but cuddled more.

When I was home, I received a phone call from Meagan.

"You wanted to meet me again, Skylar?"

"Yes, that's right. I still have a lot of questions, and I think you can give me advice."

"Sure. You know what? Do you have time on Sunday? For a brunch?"

"Yes, that would be great."

"Do you want someone else to join you? Raven perhaps?"

"Yes, that would be nice too."

"Riley?"

"Also fine."

Suddenly I thought, this team is not complete.

"Meagan, would you mind if my mother came too?"

"Of course not."

"I'm not giving you too much trouble, am I?"

"Skylar, you once did something beautiful for me, this is the least I can do in return."

"OK, I'll see you on Sunday then."

"See you on Sunday."

To: Skylar's diary - Day 40