Skylar's Diary - Day 38

I love Raven. With this sentence I wanted to start today, Dear Diary. There is not a special occasion for it, but it's just the first thing I think of. She is an inspiration to me. She is both graceful and playful. Cute and strong. Spontaneous and sophisticated. It seems that when two lovers grow together, they adopt things from each other. Words, jokes, gestures... Usually this happens unconsciously, but I do it consciously. I want to be like Raven.

It was such a nice day today, with her. Occasionally things went wrong, but we always ended up in a fit of laughter. I got up early, as if it was a school day, because we had agreed to meet early at the railway station. Also, I wanted to look nice for Raven. Girls' clothes were not an option, because we would be outside a lot, and encounter a lot of people, but makeup was an option. A little bit, without exaggerating, but enough for her to see. So I thought. Mother helped me again. I even put on some perfume, just a little bit. Would Raven notice that?

I arrived at the station a few minutes earlier than her, and had already bought the tickets. I saw her arriving. What a divine appearance. Her smile is so beautiful. She gave me a kiss, and I didn't have to wait long for the answers to my questions.

"Well, well, who' s got perfume on today?" So she had already noticed that.

She looked at me, and said:

"And you've made yourself pretty for me." Check. I smiled.

"But you did too, didn't you?" Because she was wearing a bit of makeup too.

"I'm trying my best for you," she answered.

"And so do I."

We got on the train, and sat down next to each other. It was an hour and a half ride. That seems long, but with Raven time flies.

She was wearing a pleated skirt, and tights.

"Nice skirt," I said.

"I know, you're a little jealous, aren't you?"

Of course I was jealous. Because she can wear something like that in complete freedom, without being watched. Or, if she is being watched, it's with approving looks. She could tell from my face that I was jealous. 

"You know what? I have yet another skirt. And tights. For you."

"Raven, I..."

"You do not have to, of course, but if you want, you can.”

I did not know yet what to say.

“Don't you dare?"

She challenged me, and then I always get a little competitive, but this time I also saw an opportunity.

"If I do it, will you do something in return for me?"

"Sure, what do you have in mind?"

"Every time I ask for it, you kiss me. Whoever's around."

She thought it was a funny proposal, but she didn't say yes straightaway. She smiled as she was thinking.

"Don't you dare?" I teased her.

"Of course I dare."

"You know what people are going to think, don't you?"

"Yes, they will see two girls kissing."

"Are you ready for that?"

"Skylar, I'm going to be honest, but of course you've already noticed. It's a hurdle I have to overcome. At Riley's party I wasn't ready yet, and I've felt very guilty towards you. I can understand why you had some doubts about me."

"I know you love me, Raven, so you don't have to worry about that. And I understand that this is a challenge for you too."

She kept quiet for a while. I saw that she was thinking. She came to a decision.

"Skylar, I think you are entitled to it. Everyone should know that I love you the way you are."

"OK, then give me your stuff."

I went to the toilet on the train. Damn, it was so narrow there. But I managed to take off my pants, and put on the black tights and the black skirt. There were still people on the train, but as so often, they ignored me. My outfit wasn't that remarkable anyway. I was wearing a white sweater and a simple green jacket. Only the skirt told me that I was very probably a girl.

I sat down next to Raven, put my trousers in her backpack, and said: "I want a kiss. Here and now."

There was no one sitting opposite to us, so we didn't have to be embarrassed. Raven turned to me, and we kissed. Just for a moment. We talked a lot, about all sorts of things, and had a lot of fun.

The train arrived at the station, we got off. We bought a latte, and went outside. Like most tourists we wanted to see the sea as soon as possible, and we stepped in that direction. After a few minutes of walking, Raven said:

"My backpack! I forgot my backpack. On the train."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes"

"What was in it?"

"No important things. They are in my purse. Just a bottle of water, and... your clothes..." 

"Raven, are you serious?"

"I'm so sorry, Skylar. Are you angry now?" And she looked at me again with those cute kitten eyes. How could I be mad at her? At my goddess. I was annoyed, of course, because for the remainder of the day I was condemned to wear her skirt until I got home. But maybe I still could find a solution for that. The day was still long, and I especially wanted to have a good time with Raven.

"Skylar?"

"Kiss me, and I forgive you." She kissed me. Tender.

It struck me again how such a garment transformed me. I think I would have behaved a bit more boyish with my pants on: walking in a crooked manner, and trying to come across as cool. Now I was thinking about everything Riley taught me: walking upright, acting normal, being friendly, showing confidence. Occasionally I peeked, and I looked at what Raven did, and how she did it, and then I tried to do the same. Her gestures, so different from those of boys, so graceful. Girls seem to say a lot with their bodies. And their hands, they speak too. And I like that. I want to be able to do that too. I practiced. Secretly.

We had arrived at the beach, and took a long walk. It wasn't too cold, but it wasn't warm enough to go into the water. There was a breeze, and the wind was playing with our skirts. Raven is of course used to that, but for me it is still a new sensation. A sensation I like. We had a good time together. We made silly jokes. We looked at people. I guess we came across as two girlfriends, and every now and then I tested Raven. A first time when an older couple walked in our direction.

"Kiss me, Raven." She kissed me, and then I watched how the couple reacted.

"You should have seen their faces," I said.

"What about their faces?"

"They didn't expect this, of course. Two kissing girls."

"Is that why I had to kiss you?"

"We have a deal, right?"

She realized that I was making a game of it, and she wanted to play along.
A more difficult test came when we walked in the direction of a group of boys. I saw they were looking at us, and the last thing I wanted was for them to start talking to us, so I said:

"Kiss me, Raven."

She knew why, and now she was completely into the game. She exaggerated a bit now. She kissed passionately. This was also a way to make kissing exciting. 

The boys turned their gaze away. The plan succeeded.

There we walked. A boy who dresses, behaves and passes as a girl, and a girl who loves such a girly boy. Two odd ones, but having a good time.

In the afternoon we had lunch in a small restaurant. We got the menu, and the waiter asked us after a while:

"Did the ladies make a choice?"

Raven and I thought that was funny, and we even behaved like a couple in love. We are also a couple in love of course.  Even funnier was the little girl who came to sit with us after a while. I think she was bored with her parents. She asked what our names were. "Skylar," I said.

"Is that a boy's name or a girl's name?"

"It is possible for both."

"And you?"

"Raven"

"That's a pretty name, and I think you're a very pretty girl. Your hair is beautiful. I want to have such beautiful long hair too later."

And then she said to me:

"But you are also a pretty girl, you know." So sweet. As if she wanted to comfort me.

Raven had to laugh very loud. 

"Thank you," I said, "and you're a pretty girl too."

On the train back home, I still wanted to address the subject.

"Raven, suppose I went to school dressed like that, what would you think of that?

"Wow, you surprise me with that question. Would you really consider that?"

"I think about it sometimes. You know, I don't feel good about doing things in secret. Then it still feels like something that's wrong, and that makes me feel guilty."

"But can you imagine the reactions of the boys and girls in our class?"

"I've done that, and I can't just start with it, of course. You know I went to talk to Mrs. Liang."

"Yes, I know."

"I told her that I want to be who I am even during school hours. For example, that I can put on the dress you gave me to go to school."

"And what did she say?"

"She was going to discuss it with the teachers' team. The day after tomorrow I will see her again. But she also told me to talk to you."

"With me? Why?"

"Maybe you wouldn't like that."

She remained silent for a moment, and thought.

"To be honest, I was more concerned about you than I was. But maybe I'm going to get some nasty reactions as well."

She kept quiet for a while.

"Skylar?"

"Yes?"

"Would that really make you happy? If you can let the girl inside you out at school?"

"Do you remember that world you once talked about? The world that was there at the wedding? Well, I want that world anytime, anywhere, and I think I can make it myself, but I can't do it alone. I need the support of people like you, Riley, mother..."

"I understand you, Skylar. It's all bigger than I thought, too. For me it has never been a big deal if a boy would want to put on a dress, or wear makeup, but many people make that a problem. Of course I want to support you, Skylar. I realize I might face some headwinds too, but I'll get through it."

"Kiss me, Raven."

While we were on the train, I sent a message to my mother to ask if she could come and get us at the station. Then we'd be home sooner, and above all, I wouldn't have to wear a skirt walking through my own city. I wanted to avoid that I’d meet someone I know. Of course I had to explain something to my mother, about the loss of my pants, but she could laugh with it. We dropped Raven off at her house, and drove home.

While I'm writing this, I'm wearing her nightie. It is so soft. Tomorrow I will see Raven again at school. It will be a nice day again.

To: Skylar's Diary - Day 39